shit

so, i woke up this morning to a horrible pain in the lower right side of my back. It has been crippling me all day. I vomited this morning as well. a fried had spent the night. I didn't go to any of the usual thursday night spots either. I just came home early and fell asleep early. Then woke up with this horrible pain. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through work today, and it was busy, with this. so i finally got a couple hours of restfulish sleep. then got up. got dressed and went to the deli to get j's car so i could make it to baby girl's kidergarden graduation ceremony. i missed the entire thing. and then i only got to see her for a few minutes. i left to get food at the grocery store and they were supposed to meet me at the house. they were already gone by the time that i got there. and then i sat around and watched my sister's dog and america's next top model while i waited for them to get back. finally my dad was done on the phone and i decided to leave. i had made it a few miles down the road through horrendous traffic when the house called. they had just gotten home. what a shit day. i am not going anywhere and allowing my body to heal some. it seems to need it. i have to get my stuff together. i have less than ten days until execution and everything is a mess. gotta get it handled. i dont know that i can have baby boo for more than a couple days this week. i've gotta work, and she's gotta have some fun. shit.

intensity

That is the word I can use to best describe the place that I am in.

Everything is very intense. Relationships, commitments, payoffs, rewards, struggles, conversations, work environments, interactions, smiles, cries....

I come up for air some time this summer...

Or I continue swimming head long down the rabbit hole..

Its a first

I had a panic attack today. It was crippling. I'm hiding from everyone and everything.

its seven am

I have not slept... save maybe an hour or two..

The last week has been very intense..

And I'm just sitting here wondering about a lot of things..

I finally had a phone conversation with A.. I had fallen asleep on the couch with baby girl snuggled up in my arms while we watched a movie.. And my phone rings.. He wanted to know what I was up to.. Then in the middle of our conversation we are disconnected..

I put baby boo in the bed and text him.. I start cleaning and whatever. finally I hear back from him and he said he had a conversation with a friend of his (who i had a conversation with via facebook) and he had gotten some interesting info about me and wanted to know if i was around..

It was probably four am by the time I actually talked to him. We talked briefly.. We are going to "catch up" and talk about some stuff that is kind of bothering him, but it probably isn't a big deal, its probably just that its personal but he wants to talk in person. He just wants everything with my organization to go well.

Sigh.. I can't be in love with him again.. I am excited by the thought of having his friendship and presence as part of my life again..

I'm bring him here

So.. I have decided to buy a train ticket for my bd to come and visit for a cpl days..

Its cutting my funds a little tight.. but I am working tomorrow from four to close..

My heart is in my throat and I'm waiting for him to call me back..

:D