Waiting.. Waiting.. on a few things..
my relief to get here for one so i can be done for the day. its been a long day and i have no desire to be here later than four at the latest.. and yet.. here i sit.. my relief came around four.. sat around.. ate a banana pudding and had a cup of coffee and then ran back to his house.. and i'm waiting for him to come back again.. he wants tuesdays off.. maybe i'll just make mondays my days off and then do all day tuesday-friday.. that might work best.. idk.. we'll have to figure it out..
I really need to eat something.. and yet i have an appetite for nothing.. i had a bag of chips this morning for breakfast..
My bra broke today.. it has been threatening to break for sometime.. and it finally did.. and now i'm bra-less which i HATE! I feel very exposed.. they said it was under warranty i hope that it still is.. because.. i have now purchased two $60 dollar bras that broke in the last six months.. which is just ridiculous..
I really would rather be doing a million things than sitting here and rambling to you about whatever is crossing my brain.. but.. unfortunately i'm stuck.. and here i sit..
i dont feel like doing anything.. i need to get some more magic.. but the game wiped me out damn near.. i've got 44 plus the 100 i have to recycle for tomorrow.. ugh.. i'm getting crabby and cranky sitting here..
my stomach is turning on itself.. and there is nothing here that i want to put into my mouth, not to mention the fact that the stock is low anyway.. so i probably shouldnt be eating it..
i'm currently trying to decide if i want to pop up next door.. i think maybe that i should just go home.. i'm bra-less after all.. and then i can come out later for jazzloft if i decide i can get back out.. uuuugggh.. maybe i can get j to give me those bricks and wood tonight and then i could do my clothes!! that would make me feel so much better if i wasn't living off of piles of stuff everywhere........
ok i'm going to click around with some mindlessness until he gets back and try to amuse myself..
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
shit
so, i woke up this morning to a horrible pain in the lower right side of my back. It has been crippling me all day. I vomited this morning as well. a fried had spent the night. I didn't go to any of the usual thursday night spots either. I just came home early and fell asleep early. Then woke up with this horrible pain. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through work today, and it was busy, with this. so i finally got a couple hours of restfulish sleep. then got up. got dressed and went to the deli to get j's car so i could make it to baby girl's kidergarden graduation ceremony. i missed the entire thing. and then i only got to see her for a few minutes. i left to get food at the grocery store and they were supposed to meet me at the house. they were already gone by the time that i got there. and then i sat around and watched my sister's dog and america's next top model while i waited for them to get back. finally my dad was done on the phone and i decided to leave. i had made it a few miles down the road through horrendous traffic when the house called. they had just gotten home. what a shit day. i am not going anywhere and allowing my body to heal some. it seems to need it. i have to get my stuff together. i have less than ten days until execution and everything is a mess. gotta get it handled. i dont know that i can have baby boo for more than a couple days this week. i've gotta work, and she's gotta have some fun. shit.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
intensity
That is the word I can use to best describe the place that I am in.
Everything is very intense. Relationships, commitments, payoffs, rewards, struggles, conversations, work environments, interactions, smiles, cries....
I come up for air some time this summer...
Or I continue swimming head long down the rabbit hole..
Everything is very intense. Relationships, commitments, payoffs, rewards, struggles, conversations, work environments, interactions, smiles, cries....
I come up for air some time this summer...
Or I continue swimming head long down the rabbit hole..
Monday, May 11, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
its seven am
I have not slept... save maybe an hour or two..
The last week has been very intense..
And I'm just sitting here wondering about a lot of things..
I finally had a phone conversation with A.. I had fallen asleep on the couch with baby girl snuggled up in my arms while we watched a movie.. And my phone rings.. He wanted to know what I was up to.. Then in the middle of our conversation we are disconnected..
I put baby boo in the bed and text him.. I start cleaning and whatever. finally I hear back from him and he said he had a conversation with a friend of his (who i had a conversation with via facebook) and he had gotten some interesting info about me and wanted to know if i was around..
It was probably four am by the time I actually talked to him. We talked briefly.. We are going to "catch up" and talk about some stuff that is kind of bothering him, but it probably isn't a big deal, its probably just that its personal but he wants to talk in person. He just wants everything with my organization to go well.
Sigh.. I can't be in love with him again.. I am excited by the thought of having his friendship and presence as part of my life again..
The last week has been very intense..
And I'm just sitting here wondering about a lot of things..
I finally had a phone conversation with A.. I had fallen asleep on the couch with baby girl snuggled up in my arms while we watched a movie.. And my phone rings.. He wanted to know what I was up to.. Then in the middle of our conversation we are disconnected..
I put baby boo in the bed and text him.. I start cleaning and whatever. finally I hear back from him and he said he had a conversation with a friend of his (who i had a conversation with via facebook) and he had gotten some interesting info about me and wanted to know if i was around..
It was probably four am by the time I actually talked to him. We talked briefly.. We are going to "catch up" and talk about some stuff that is kind of bothering him, but it probably isn't a big deal, its probably just that its personal but he wants to talk in person. He just wants everything with my organization to go well.
Sigh.. I can't be in love with him again.. I am excited by the thought of having his friendship and presence as part of my life again..
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I'm bring him here
So.. I have decided to buy a train ticket for my bd to come and visit for a cpl days..
Its cutting my funds a little tight.. but I am working tomorrow from four to close..
My heart is in my throat and I'm waiting for him to call me back..
:D
Its cutting my funds a little tight.. but I am working tomorrow from four to close..
My heart is in my throat and I'm waiting for him to call me back..
:D
Thursday, April 30, 2009
The Stable Is Restless
All of them.. Restless..
Lets start with last night..
My ex fun buddy, doctor boy, came out to the bar. He is getting married in less than a month, to an Italian girl, who is still in Italy. He wanted me to take him home. After I explained to him that there was no way, he's off limits.. He left
Well, the ex boyfriend who had come up there too. That was halfway awkward, just because he's awkward.
Then... I accidentally went on a date with one of the guys who works on the line at the deli. He was wearing buttons on his shirt, one that had the silhouette of a rat and some other phrase on another one. Skinny jeans, black skinny jeans. They weren't tight, which would have made it just entirely absurd. He has a mustache and has a skateboard.
We had a couple beers at my previous place of employment, sitting on the patio enjoying the sunshine and eighty something degree weather. Then we came back to my place and smoked. We had some fun conversation. He's cool people. But of course, he too wants some fun time with me. He asked if we could have a secret relationship and make out in the basement at work. He didn't really ask.. more like mentioned or hinted, it wasn't so direct.
Then.. There is J.. He came over today and we fucked my mattress off the box spring, it was very fun. He's a good time. No seriousness.
So.. There's N. I found pictures of his girl, kind of by accident on FB. She's his baby. Well, he really likes me. He spent three nights here last week. We text banter, he says things like "I enjoy you." The looks he gives me, the things he says. Oh he's in. And I am having a great time playing with him, he's almost a toy. I don't really expect anything from him.
And.. Then there is Daddy. Who is coming to town to hide out at my place and play house. He's been calling to check on me. He's keeping me forever. He texted me today and asked me where i was. My heart leapt into my throat. I almost expected him to say that he was here. I hoped he was going to say that very thing actually. We had some fun banter on the phone.. I'm going to have fun with him when I see him. .
Oh, and lets not forget about A.. He is upset with me over "something else i know", and a couple things about my association which he finds disrespectful.. He, however, refuses to tell me what these things are. He has holed himself up in the studio, behind another woman, again. Friends have taken sides, there are whole groups of people that I don't talk to, or see, who all see and or talk to him. It hurts. Its over there. And I have to keep it there, and prepare myself for when he comes back, because he will be back, he always is.
And then there are the fan club members that are applying.. It really gets tiring always having to say no, and dodge.. And diplomacy is key..
Sigh, I'm going to sleep now.. Lots to do tomorrow..
Lets start with last night..
My ex fun buddy, doctor boy, came out to the bar. He is getting married in less than a month, to an Italian girl, who is still in Italy. He wanted me to take him home. After I explained to him that there was no way, he's off limits.. He left
Well, the ex boyfriend who had come up there too. That was halfway awkward, just because he's awkward.
Then... I accidentally went on a date with one of the guys who works on the line at the deli. He was wearing buttons on his shirt, one that had the silhouette of a rat and some other phrase on another one. Skinny jeans, black skinny jeans. They weren't tight, which would have made it just entirely absurd. He has a mustache and has a skateboard.
We had a couple beers at my previous place of employment, sitting on the patio enjoying the sunshine and eighty something degree weather. Then we came back to my place and smoked. We had some fun conversation. He's cool people. But of course, he too wants some fun time with me. He asked if we could have a secret relationship and make out in the basement at work. He didn't really ask.. more like mentioned or hinted, it wasn't so direct.
Then.. There is J.. He came over today and we fucked my mattress off the box spring, it was very fun. He's a good time. No seriousness.
So.. There's N. I found pictures of his girl, kind of by accident on FB. She's his baby. Well, he really likes me. He spent three nights here last week. We text banter, he says things like "I enjoy you." The looks he gives me, the things he says. Oh he's in. And I am having a great time playing with him, he's almost a toy. I don't really expect anything from him.
And.. Then there is Daddy. Who is coming to town to hide out at my place and play house. He's been calling to check on me. He's keeping me forever. He texted me today and asked me where i was. My heart leapt into my throat. I almost expected him to say that he was here. I hoped he was going to say that very thing actually. We had some fun banter on the phone.. I'm going to have fun with him when I see him. .
Oh, and lets not forget about A.. He is upset with me over "something else i know", and a couple things about my association which he finds disrespectful.. He, however, refuses to tell me what these things are. He has holed himself up in the studio, behind another woman, again. Friends have taken sides, there are whole groups of people that I don't talk to, or see, who all see and or talk to him. It hurts. Its over there. And I have to keep it there, and prepare myself for when he comes back, because he will be back, he always is.
And then there are the fan club members that are applying.. It really gets tiring always having to say no, and dodge.. And diplomacy is key..
Sigh, I'm going to sleep now.. Lots to do tomorrow..
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
strange
So.. After yesterday's conversation I was kind of expecting that N would be taking some space.. And after that conversation it was all I could think about for the rest of the day.. Pretty sure I sulked at more than one point.. I wasn't planning on leaving the house because it snowed the day before and I hate the cold. Well, M called me and wanted me to pick her up from work (i've had her car all weekend). So I went over. We sat down and had a beer and talked.. P came and met us there. Then P and I went back to my house. I had a paper due in the only class I have any hope of passing this semester.
We ended up talking about it. He suggested it was manipulative. I don't think that it was. I think it really was genuine.
So, then strangely enough, I get a text from N at 10:35. He had told me he was going to the game. Apparently it wasn't any fun. He asked where I was. I told him I was at home watching Reservoir Dogs. P was here, but I didn't tell him that. He asked if I wanted some company. I had to think about it for a minute. Then he texted again and asked again. So I said that it would be nice. P left. I washed dishes and cleaned up a bit. He arrived.
He got on the couch with me, we watched the rest of reservoir dogs. then he went over to the dvd collection to pick another movie for us to watch. He'd never seen sahara. so we put that in. he was dozing off before the intro sequence was even over. So, I put him to bed. Stripped down to his boxers and got in bed. I did the same. We snuggled. His friend kept tapping me on my back. We kissed on each other a bit, nothing heavy, we talked. we slept.
I was hoping a poking this morning when I woke up. Its the best way to wake up ever. I kissed on him a bit when his alarm went off this morning.. but I was still half asleep and he didnt' return the favor. next thing I know he's getting up. ten minutes later he kisses me on my neck and cheek and he's gone.
What is going on!? He had a very conflicted look on his face when I caught him looking at me.
bah! Just play it cool.. Let it be what it is.. Fuckin a'
We ended up talking about it. He suggested it was manipulative. I don't think that it was. I think it really was genuine.
So, then strangely enough, I get a text from N at 10:35. He had told me he was going to the game. Apparently it wasn't any fun. He asked where I was. I told him I was at home watching Reservoir Dogs. P was here, but I didn't tell him that. He asked if I wanted some company. I had to think about it for a minute. Then he texted again and asked again. So I said that it would be nice. P left. I washed dishes and cleaned up a bit. He arrived.
He got on the couch with me, we watched the rest of reservoir dogs. then he went over to the dvd collection to pick another movie for us to watch. He'd never seen sahara. so we put that in. he was dozing off before the intro sequence was even over. So, I put him to bed. Stripped down to his boxers and got in bed. I did the same. We snuggled. His friend kept tapping me on my back. We kissed on each other a bit, nothing heavy, we talked. we slept.
I was hoping a poking this morning when I woke up. Its the best way to wake up ever. I kissed on him a bit when his alarm went off this morning.. but I was still half asleep and he didnt' return the favor. next thing I know he's getting up. ten minutes later he kisses me on my neck and cheek and he's gone.
What is going on!? He had a very conflicted look on his face when I caught him looking at me.
bah! Just play it cool.. Let it be what it is.. Fuckin a'
Monday, April 6, 2009
girlfriend material
So.. N... He came over last night. We just chilled at home. I made some lasagna, since I had bought all of the stuff for it because I thought that Ftown boys were coming thru and then they didn't. So, we put in a movie. I cracked a bottle of wine that I had been saving for a special occasion. We watched Donnie Darko, and he was pleasantly surprised that I actually can cook. We snuggled on the couch. It was really, really nice.
So the movie finishes.. We start fooling around.. which was going to happen eventually. I decided that I would put on one of my new bedroom outfits that hadn't yet be cristened. I actually got it with A in mind, some time ago, but I can't be with A that way and I haven't seen him in forever anyway. So. N's jaw hit the floor. He loved it. I got one of my toys out, he wanted to watch how I used it. So.. We fooled around a bit.. Kind of half fucked.. Then we moved to the bedroom.. We didn't really finish the round, once we were in bed we just kind of snuggled and talked.
He got up early, as he always does and was off to work this morning. I was kind of hoping that he would wake me up with something... a little more interactive since we never really finished... He didn't.. Well, then he texted me this afternoon and said that "that joint you had on last night was super hot" so i said I enjoyed the cristening. Then he texted back and said "we gotta talk about something thats bothering me though. nothing serious, but something thats on my mind when i'm wit u." so I said he should call me when he was ready to talk.
Well. He called a couple hours later. Apparently, he hasn't fucked me like he really wants to because he is worried that it could mess us up later down the road. I am girlfriend material. I am very loving and passionate and all that. And he feels bad because he has two other girls that he deals with. I told him that we were ok as long as we stay honest. It is what it is. He apparently doesn't stay the night at chic's houses, well, he's never not spent the night here, save the first time we hung out. I'm too good basically. I wanted to be like , ok well, be my boyfriend, but I didn't. I dont' want to push anything. And I would like that actually. But whatever. It is what it is I dont' like that he has other women, but I appreciate his honesty.
When I woke up this morning I had kind of an angsty feeling left over from last night, probably doesn't help that I didn't get mine, and he didn't get his. And then some of the conversation that we had last night as well.
Well, hopefully I'll see him on Tuesday again. That is our night it seems. I don't want to share, but I'm not even sure I want to be in a committed relationship. I've been struggling with it. The ones who could keep me dont, or they realize too late. and then they come back.. and I cant' do it.. its too late.. That has been true of everyone.. A was the exception a few times.. But that is no longer.
I've contented myself with knowing that I'll always have D. At least. Since none of the idiots around here want to take advantage of the awesomeness that is me in a committed relationship.
So the movie finishes.. We start fooling around.. which was going to happen eventually. I decided that I would put on one of my new bedroom outfits that hadn't yet be cristened. I actually got it with A in mind, some time ago, but I can't be with A that way and I haven't seen him in forever anyway. So. N's jaw hit the floor. He loved it. I got one of my toys out, he wanted to watch how I used it. So.. We fooled around a bit.. Kind of half fucked.. Then we moved to the bedroom.. We didn't really finish the round, once we were in bed we just kind of snuggled and talked.
He got up early, as he always does and was off to work this morning. I was kind of hoping that he would wake me up with something... a little more interactive since we never really finished... He didn't.. Well, then he texted me this afternoon and said that "that joint you had on last night was super hot" so i said I enjoyed the cristening. Then he texted back and said "we gotta talk about something thats bothering me though. nothing serious, but something thats on my mind when i'm wit u." so I said he should call me when he was ready to talk.
Well. He called a couple hours later. Apparently, he hasn't fucked me like he really wants to because he is worried that it could mess us up later down the road. I am girlfriend material. I am very loving and passionate and all that. And he feels bad because he has two other girls that he deals with. I told him that we were ok as long as we stay honest. It is what it is. He apparently doesn't stay the night at chic's houses, well, he's never not spent the night here, save the first time we hung out. I'm too good basically. I wanted to be like , ok well, be my boyfriend, but I didn't. I dont' want to push anything. And I would like that actually. But whatever. It is what it is I dont' like that he has other women, but I appreciate his honesty.
When I woke up this morning I had kind of an angsty feeling left over from last night, probably doesn't help that I didn't get mine, and he didn't get his. And then some of the conversation that we had last night as well.
Well, hopefully I'll see him on Tuesday again. That is our night it seems. I don't want to share, but I'm not even sure I want to be in a committed relationship. I've been struggling with it. The ones who could keep me dont, or they realize too late. and then they come back.. and I cant' do it.. its too late.. That has been true of everyone.. A was the exception a few times.. But that is no longer.
I've contented myself with knowing that I'll always have D. At least. Since none of the idiots around here want to take advantage of the awesomeness that is me in a committed relationship.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
saturday night
Wow. They sent me the annoying chick to pick me up and take me out. They were at the most crowded bar in the city, that was charging 20 bucks a head. I was not about to stand in that line or go in there. So, she said she had friends at State Bar, so we headed over there. We were talking about the two Ms and then they walked up. They were wasted and looking for food. We stood in line. The place was at capacity so they were only letting ppl in as ppl left.
There was a large group of ppl I didn't know. I was only introduced to one of them, and he was boring. We went to the bar to get drinks, it was crowded. This drunk girl was very rude to us, without meaning to be, that was irritating.
I got a text from a friend who I haven't seen in a million years, he said he was at MGM with another friend of mine. So, I was ready to bust a move and go see him. Well, I finally heard from the guys we were supposed to be meeting up with, one of which sent the annoying girl to come and get me, and they said that they were headed home to the burbs because one of them wasn't feeling well and the other went with because that was his ride. Then annoying girl got a text from the other that said they were at the DAC. So we went over there. The DAC is a private club with lots of suits, we went in and looked around but they weren't there and I couldn't really picture them there anyway. So we sat outside for a minute and thought about it. Maybe they meant DBC, which is only a few blocks and one letter away.
So we went over there, the game had just started and so there was a wait, due to the place being at capacity. We stood around outside. Finally got in. Walked through and looked at everyone sitting in there, none of them were the boys we were trying to find. Meanwhile I'm texting with my long lost friend and he said that they were going to be leaving MGM so he'd let me know what was up. I did run into some ppl I knew. It was a birthday party for a girl that I met a little while ago, so I knew some of the ppl. We hung out with them for a while. The birthday girl and A were saying that they love me so much because I don't do drama and bullshit. That made me smile.
One of the guys from their group was talking to D(annoying chick) and he kept saying that I looked mad or something. I wasn't. I was annoyed by the crowds, the non-smoking, and the lack of being able to get together with the ppl that I wanted to see. I decided to see J. The car I'm borrowing was parked in his building and the lot attendant had the key. Not to mention that he has been blowing me up and feinding for some of my company and attention. I told D that I was going to go meet up with him for a while and then I would call her later cause he doesn't like new ppl, which is true. I bounced out.
Walking toward my apt I see Oslo. I stop in. B is behind the bar running around, the place is full. I'm glad for all the business that was downtown this weekend. I'm mad that I didn't make any money, but whatever. Got a beer. Went downstairs. I ran into N and he said he was hungry and didn't feel like eating the food there because he's working all the time. So I offered for him to come over and I'd make him a sandwhich. So, we walked over here. He rolled a blunt. He ate, I made a sandwhich for B too and put it in my purse. We smoked, had a cpl drinks. I had the rest of my beer and a jager bomb. He had two screwdrivers and a jager bomb. I haven't smoked a b in so long. So we go back over to Oslo.
We're going downstairs and I see Daniel standing at the bottom of the stairs. I said hi and he started just being a super, super asshole.. Just.. Being a super piece of shit to me. Whatever he leaves. I didn't stay there much longer before N and I left. Went over to Pulse. It was crowded. We watched some of the game. We want drinks, so I ask one of the guys sitting at the bar if I can squeeze in and order. He lets me. He said something and then ended up asking me if I was buying him a drink. He was drunk, trying to give me a hard time, but he was an idiot. That got under my skin. I was polite, his friend was telling him he was an idiot too. He called me Moses. So I go to the bathroom, I'm texting J.
So we go to leave, I stop to say what up to the door guy cause we know each other from way back. Then this indian boy started talking to me, or i started talking to him. So they came with me to the next spot. Detroit Pub. P was there. It was crowded inside, we couldn't get a drink. I was going to go and meet up with J. The indian boy asked me if I kiss like a desi. Then it went around for me to have to tell him that I wasn't going to kiss him. We part ways. I head back to my spot to meet up with J.
So I talked to Jason the guy that was with my long lost friend. I told him what happened. He said they had gone back to the crib. Long lost friend was there somewhere, but he wasn't sure where. He might come down today.
I saw on twitter that the Ms had gone to A's. I get a text from my long lost friend that that is where he is as well, and he'll hit me up when they bounce. So I'm thinking that is where everyone is and they are trying to play stupid or something because I'm not allowed over there. Or I wouldn't go over there. I'm so done with A. It could have been one of those awesome nights with my boys again. Instead I am left feeling rejected and upset. It just feels wrong, how everything went down. I feel like they may have also avoided me because annoying chick was with me, which is messed up because one of them sent her to get me.
J wanted to hook up so I headed over to his spot. I was pretty buzzed at this point. We met up and walked over here. We had some grown up fun. He left.
Fuck it. P(not the same one from Detroit Pub) comes to get me. I want to go to E5. He has to make a run to RO. We get out there. We go inside Bastones. Its his friend's birthday. We get to the door and I realize that I have left my wallet, and therefore my ID on my desk at home. We go to the upstairs. P goes down. Some ppl come up. I'm just sitting there getting more sober by the minute, bored. The DJ was hORRIBLE! He asks one of the guys to buy me a drink. They are on my head. I can't drink. P finishes my drink. We've gotta go to the ATM and then back downtown. He says that some girl he used to fuck with is downstairs and he wants her to come up so he can introduce us. I believe that the phrase he actually used was that he wanted to floss me.
We stopped at the APs.. blew one, or two.. and then my body was just in shut down mode and I came home and crashed out....... What a night...
There was a large group of ppl I didn't know. I was only introduced to one of them, and he was boring. We went to the bar to get drinks, it was crowded. This drunk girl was very rude to us, without meaning to be, that was irritating.
I got a text from a friend who I haven't seen in a million years, he said he was at MGM with another friend of mine. So, I was ready to bust a move and go see him. Well, I finally heard from the guys we were supposed to be meeting up with, one of which sent the annoying girl to come and get me, and they said that they were headed home to the burbs because one of them wasn't feeling well and the other went with because that was his ride. Then annoying girl got a text from the other that said they were at the DAC. So we went over there. The DAC is a private club with lots of suits, we went in and looked around but they weren't there and I couldn't really picture them there anyway. So we sat outside for a minute and thought about it. Maybe they meant DBC, which is only a few blocks and one letter away.
So we went over there, the game had just started and so there was a wait, due to the place being at capacity. We stood around outside. Finally got in. Walked through and looked at everyone sitting in there, none of them were the boys we were trying to find. Meanwhile I'm texting with my long lost friend and he said that they were going to be leaving MGM so he'd let me know what was up. I did run into some ppl I knew. It was a birthday party for a girl that I met a little while ago, so I knew some of the ppl. We hung out with them for a while. The birthday girl and A were saying that they love me so much because I don't do drama and bullshit. That made me smile.
One of the guys from their group was talking to D(annoying chick) and he kept saying that I looked mad or something. I wasn't. I was annoyed by the crowds, the non-smoking, and the lack of being able to get together with the ppl that I wanted to see. I decided to see J. The car I'm borrowing was parked in his building and the lot attendant had the key. Not to mention that he has been blowing me up and feinding for some of my company and attention. I told D that I was going to go meet up with him for a while and then I would call her later cause he doesn't like new ppl, which is true. I bounced out.
Walking toward my apt I see Oslo. I stop in. B is behind the bar running around, the place is full. I'm glad for all the business that was downtown this weekend. I'm mad that I didn't make any money, but whatever. Got a beer. Went downstairs. I ran into N and he said he was hungry and didn't feel like eating the food there because he's working all the time. So I offered for him to come over and I'd make him a sandwhich. So, we walked over here. He rolled a blunt. He ate, I made a sandwhich for B too and put it in my purse. We smoked, had a cpl drinks. I had the rest of my beer and a jager bomb. He had two screwdrivers and a jager bomb. I haven't smoked a b in so long. So we go back over to Oslo.
We're going downstairs and I see Daniel standing at the bottom of the stairs. I said hi and he started just being a super, super asshole.. Just.. Being a super piece of shit to me. Whatever he leaves. I didn't stay there much longer before N and I left. Went over to Pulse. It was crowded. We watched some of the game. We want drinks, so I ask one of the guys sitting at the bar if I can squeeze in and order. He lets me. He said something and then ended up asking me if I was buying him a drink. He was drunk, trying to give me a hard time, but he was an idiot. That got under my skin. I was polite, his friend was telling him he was an idiot too. He called me Moses. So I go to the bathroom, I'm texting J.
So we go to leave, I stop to say what up to the door guy cause we know each other from way back. Then this indian boy started talking to me, or i started talking to him. So they came with me to the next spot. Detroit Pub. P was there. It was crowded inside, we couldn't get a drink. I was going to go and meet up with J. The indian boy asked me if I kiss like a desi. Then it went around for me to have to tell him that I wasn't going to kiss him. We part ways. I head back to my spot to meet up with J.
So I talked to Jason the guy that was with my long lost friend. I told him what happened. He said they had gone back to the crib. Long lost friend was there somewhere, but he wasn't sure where. He might come down today.
I saw on twitter that the Ms had gone to A's. I get a text from my long lost friend that that is where he is as well, and he'll hit me up when they bounce. So I'm thinking that is where everyone is and they are trying to play stupid or something because I'm not allowed over there. Or I wouldn't go over there. I'm so done with A. It could have been one of those awesome nights with my boys again. Instead I am left feeling rejected and upset. It just feels wrong, how everything went down. I feel like they may have also avoided me because annoying chick was with me, which is messed up because one of them sent her to get me.
J wanted to hook up so I headed over to his spot. I was pretty buzzed at this point. We met up and walked over here. We had some grown up fun. He left.
Fuck it. P(not the same one from Detroit Pub) comes to get me. I want to go to E5. He has to make a run to RO. We get out there. We go inside Bastones. Its his friend's birthday. We get to the door and I realize that I have left my wallet, and therefore my ID on my desk at home. We go to the upstairs. P goes down. Some ppl come up. I'm just sitting there getting more sober by the minute, bored. The DJ was hORRIBLE! He asks one of the guys to buy me a drink. They are on my head. I can't drink. P finishes my drink. We've gotta go to the ATM and then back downtown. He says that some girl he used to fuck with is downstairs and he wants her to come up so he can introduce us. I believe that the phrase he actually used was that he wanted to floss me.
We stopped at the APs.. blew one, or two.. and then my body was just in shut down mode and I came home and crashed out....... What a night...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Goddess
The further I dive into the world of image and branding.. The more I watch myself evolve.. There is me and the image of me. I know what she was talking about when she asked if you were talking about the brand or the person. If I play the cards that I have right....... Shit.... I'll be sitting on top of an empire.. I have guns lined up.. I need to check their aim.. And line them all up.. So when I get the word, execute, shots ring true.
Empowerment and Enlightenment
Empowerment and Enlightenment
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
the funk
I'm irritated and in a horrible funk today.
Yesterday was St. P's and I drank for hours and had a great time. N came out, finally met up with him at Bookie's. We closed the bar, made out a bunch...
Came home, Mel woke up from her drunken nap.. We fooled around a bit, once again no sex. I asked him what we were doing. He said he doesn't like labels, I said that I don't either.. I don't need a label, but I do need to know what we're doing. I don't want him to start treating me like I'm a booty call or something. I have potential to be serious about this man, I like him a lot.
Well, A and I had tentative plans for today. We do need to discuss where he fits into KB because he wants to be involved, and retain some sort of ownership. Well yesterday was a huge drinking day, we both partook, he said his energy level was low. I said mine was too and that I was just gonna stay in and chill tonight. Asked him if he wanted to come chill. He misunderstood, kinda blew me off, said we should do it on a night where we both had energy. I replied that we do need to discuss business but we could just chill tonight. Whatever. I already knew it wasn't going to happen, I do need to talk to him about some more personal stuff though. Whatever. He says he always enjoys my company. I'm irritated because I'm never important on his list. We're friends who live less than a mile away from each other, why do I never see him? Does he give a shit? Probably not, or if he does he has a strange way of showing it. I know he has his emotional issues. I'm getting tired. Fuck it.
I haven't heard from N today, which annoys me. Now that I'm leaving E.. I'm curious to see how often we see each other, it was almost weekly because he'd come up when I was working. We tried to hang out friday, saturday, and sunday... None of the nights work. So monday is a bad day for him, well tuesday we finally got together.
I went up to E today to drop off the flyers, cause I told them that I would do it. And I'm gonna be distributing all day tomorrow, so its gonna suck. I'm done with that place.. I talked to the guys at the bar I'm moving to and they are going to call me and let me know when I can start. I gotta brush up on my Martini making skills.
I really wish that A wasn't such a dick. I wish that N would call me or something. I'm feeling insecure right now, not fun.
Then there's P. Who is driving me absolutely insane! His personal interest/romantic interest in me is getting in the way of business and he's getting ahead of himself as far as my business is concerned, he's a consultant.. NOT someone that I need to be answering to about it.
Ugh. Shake it off. Blame it on the large amounts of alcohol that I injested yesterday, and the little bit I had today.
Yesterday was St. P's and I drank for hours and had a great time. N came out, finally met up with him at Bookie's. We closed the bar, made out a bunch...
Came home, Mel woke up from her drunken nap.. We fooled around a bit, once again no sex. I asked him what we were doing. He said he doesn't like labels, I said that I don't either.. I don't need a label, but I do need to know what we're doing. I don't want him to start treating me like I'm a booty call or something. I have potential to be serious about this man, I like him a lot.
Well, A and I had tentative plans for today. We do need to discuss where he fits into KB because he wants to be involved, and retain some sort of ownership. Well yesterday was a huge drinking day, we both partook, he said his energy level was low. I said mine was too and that I was just gonna stay in and chill tonight. Asked him if he wanted to come chill. He misunderstood, kinda blew me off, said we should do it on a night where we both had energy. I replied that we do need to discuss business but we could just chill tonight. Whatever. I already knew it wasn't going to happen, I do need to talk to him about some more personal stuff though. Whatever. He says he always enjoys my company. I'm irritated because I'm never important on his list. We're friends who live less than a mile away from each other, why do I never see him? Does he give a shit? Probably not, or if he does he has a strange way of showing it. I know he has his emotional issues. I'm getting tired. Fuck it.
I haven't heard from N today, which annoys me. Now that I'm leaving E.. I'm curious to see how often we see each other, it was almost weekly because he'd come up when I was working. We tried to hang out friday, saturday, and sunday... None of the nights work. So monday is a bad day for him, well tuesday we finally got together.
I went up to E today to drop off the flyers, cause I told them that I would do it. And I'm gonna be distributing all day tomorrow, so its gonna suck. I'm done with that place.. I talked to the guys at the bar I'm moving to and they are going to call me and let me know when I can start. I gotta brush up on my Martini making skills.
I really wish that A wasn't such a dick. I wish that N would call me or something. I'm feeling insecure right now, not fun.
Then there's P. Who is driving me absolutely insane! His personal interest/romantic interest in me is getting in the way of business and he's getting ahead of himself as far as my business is concerned, he's a consultant.. NOT someone that I need to be answering to about it.
Ugh. Shake it off. Blame it on the large amounts of alcohol that I injested yesterday, and the little bit I had today.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
puzzling
I am fascinated at my own ability to put people together like puzzle pieces... All that has to be done is to sit back, observe, calculate, execute...
The Delicious Vinyl Years
Scrumptious
The Delicious Vinyl Years
Scrumptious
Friday, March 13, 2009
The constant search for center.
The alignment is so important. People must be managed and understood. My peace and footing must not be disturbed. I must build and cultivate the squad I put around me.
It's like there is a mountain of mud in front of me, somehow I must reach the top of it. How does one climb such a mountain. How can I possibly reach the summit. I've got to build the mountain up. Lay bricks down around it, solidify it and build it up. Then I can just walk to the top.
These kinds of relationships get tricky when there is an unreturned interest, or even interest at all in a case I am currently dealing with. You cannot mix business and romance, its bad. When one is the subject of a business associates interest, especially when said associate is a key player it must be handled very delicately. Maximum productivity must be the goal. Emotion must be marginalized, but that can be very hard to do. The struggle is a waste of my energy. The lines must be drawn firmly, and not crossed. Either they'll get it and stay within the boundry, or they will refuse it and the business relationship will suffer. I am frustrated at even having to deal with it.
This person refuses to leave my space, somehow being right up under me increases productivity in some way. We are not joined at the hip. You do your thing, I'll do mine. We'll get together and exchange information and then go on from there. Frequent phone calls are to be expected, but good lord. I really didn't want to see him today, and if he notices that I am uncomfortable he will start picking and poking, which makes me more uncomfortable. I really don't want to deal with this. I may just drop the charger downstairs and he can get it from there. :D Bet.
It's like there is a mountain of mud in front of me, somehow I must reach the top of it. How does one climb such a mountain. How can I possibly reach the summit. I've got to build the mountain up. Lay bricks down around it, solidify it and build it up. Then I can just walk to the top.
These kinds of relationships get tricky when there is an unreturned interest, or even interest at all in a case I am currently dealing with. You cannot mix business and romance, its bad. When one is the subject of a business associates interest, especially when said associate is a key player it must be handled very delicately. Maximum productivity must be the goal. Emotion must be marginalized, but that can be very hard to do. The struggle is a waste of my energy. The lines must be drawn firmly, and not crossed. Either they'll get it and stay within the boundry, or they will refuse it and the business relationship will suffer. I am frustrated at even having to deal with it.
This person refuses to leave my space, somehow being right up under me increases productivity in some way. We are not joined at the hip. You do your thing, I'll do mine. We'll get together and exchange information and then go on from there. Frequent phone calls are to be expected, but good lord. I really didn't want to see him today, and if he notices that I am uncomfortable he will start picking and poking, which makes me more uncomfortable. I really don't want to deal with this. I may just drop the charger downstairs and he can get it from there. :D Bet.
movement
I have had the most awkward and awesome days of my life. A just left. P just left too, to get more cigs. We're quiting on saturday. A was concerned about his ownership value in my company. I understand that he is the founder. I have no intentions off cutting him off from what he created. It is pretty nuts that the woman he met and left me for... he met at the very event that I center this movement around.
H e never stays long anyway. I didn't expect him to stay long. He got to meet p. He asked p to inject the business speak, apparently I have morphed.
I don't know whats up with N. I like him. He has been gone on business. He is gone once a month at least. Good for him, he is good for me professionally, I am building a brand and a reputation. He is a successful business man, for four years at least. His business is far enough removed from mine i such a way that his circle is complimentary to mine, but it doesn't encroach on my space. The problem is that we have big gaps, maybe its not, I like him.
I had ever intention of telling A that shit was over. We talked business the entire time that we were together. I truly admire and respect this man. I will always love him, always.
That resents a problem with my future relationships. If I am messin' w/n and feeling for someone else... its not cool. Like I should just leave both of them alone. There are different things about both of them that attract me. A is loyal, consistently inconsistent. He biced his head last week. I LOVE that. I don't know what it is about him when he has that going on.
There is D as well. He'll be here the first week of next month with our son, for a week, and then i'll probably end up flying out there for a week or so. I have a test coming up, I haven't been to class in weeks. I have gone through the text, I'll do the best I can. I'm hoping to start taking classes at mary grove this summer, Detroit Studies..... Perfect! That is what I want to know the most about. Let me have classes on something like that.
My business partner has a crush on me, I suppose that isn't to be unexpected. I basically told him that I didn't want to hear anything about that subject matter last night. It feels like he's my roomie, he is here all the time, at least he takes after himself. I need a day of by myself time....
I miss my ladies. I haven't been able to have the lines of communication with either that I would like. It probably has everything to do with the odd hours that I keep, the commercial space will be tremendously helpful, streamlining for the common goal...
Ok... I'm done.. Good night my loves...
Live, Believe
H e never stays long anyway. I didn't expect him to stay long. He got to meet p. He asked p to inject the business speak, apparently I have morphed.
I don't know whats up with N. I like him. He has been gone on business. He is gone once a month at least. Good for him, he is good for me professionally, I am building a brand and a reputation. He is a successful business man, for four years at least. His business is far enough removed from mine i such a way that his circle is complimentary to mine, but it doesn't encroach on my space. The problem is that we have big gaps, maybe its not, I like him.
I had ever intention of telling A that shit was over. We talked business the entire time that we were together. I truly admire and respect this man. I will always love him, always.
That resents a problem with my future relationships. If I am messin' w/n and feeling for someone else... its not cool. Like I should just leave both of them alone. There are different things about both of them that attract me. A is loyal, consistently inconsistent. He biced his head last week. I LOVE that. I don't know what it is about him when he has that going on.
There is D as well. He'll be here the first week of next month with our son, for a week, and then i'll probably end up flying out there for a week or so. I have a test coming up, I haven't been to class in weeks. I have gone through the text, I'll do the best I can. I'm hoping to start taking classes at mary grove this summer, Detroit Studies..... Perfect! That is what I want to know the most about. Let me have classes on something like that.
My business partner has a crush on me, I suppose that isn't to be unexpected. I basically told him that I didn't want to hear anything about that subject matter last night. It feels like he's my roomie, he is here all the time, at least he takes after himself. I need a day of by myself time....
I miss my ladies. I haven't been able to have the lines of communication with either that I would like. It probably has everything to do with the odd hours that I keep, the commercial space will be tremendously helpful, streamlining for the common goal...
Ok... I'm done.. Good night my loves...
Live, Believe
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Back in LA
Well. I didn't sleep last night. I worked at Enoteca till about midnight. I had texted A and he was supposed to stop by so that we could hang out before I went out of town for the week. So... Then N and and one of his friends came in. Q stopped by, Melissa was there. It was a freaking reunion at Enoteca. It was so much fun!! I was waiting and waiting for A to show up. Little interested to see what would happen with A and N being together in the same place. But.. Then I got a text from A that he had to go home. His roomie got laid off and he had to go home and hang out with her. I have a lot of respect for him. So, I was disappointed but not too upset. I asked N to give me a ride home, his friend had driven seperately and she left. So, we went for a night cap at Pulse as it seems is our thing to do. We caught up with Owen. He was pretty drunk. So then he took me home, and he was going to leave, he's staying all the way in Rochester Hills right now. So I told him he wasn't allowed to leave until he sobered up some. He came upstairs.
I had decided that I wasn't going to go to bed. I had a messy apartment and I hadn't packed at all for this trip. He had never seen Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Who hasn't seen that?! I was laughing hysterically, he wasn't interested in anything but me. He had been telling me all night that my lips were beautiful and he loves my hair. He's pretty almost smitten it seems. What a horrible situation to be in. I love one man and like another. What is a woman to do? Well. I finally tucked him into my bed right before five. George had agreed to give me a ride to the airport. N said that he was going to leave when I left in the morning. Yeah right, he was snoring after five minutes. I left him a note and a key so he could lock up. I packed quickly, pretty sure I forgot stuff, and straightened up less than I would have liked to. And then George was there to take me to the airport.
I had been drinking all night, after I got off work anyway. So I was coming down by the time I got to the airport. I got a cup of coffee and got on the plane pretty quickly. Couldn't really sleep on the first plane, there was a strange young chinese guy sitting next to me who was sleeping and his mouth was open. I switched planes in Phoenix, got to see Air Force One take off. And then I was here in Burbank. Burbank airport is GREAT! Sooooooo much better than LAX I never want to fly into or out of LAX again if I can help it. I sat and waited for a while for Darius to get there.
When Z first saw me he kind of had a look of disbelief on his face. Then he was laughing and happy and flirting and it was great. Darius had a meeting to go to. He dropped us off at a Restaurant called Mo's in Burbank and had a friend of his Felicia pick us up. I met her last time. She's really sweet. She has a daughter who is in sixth grade who is also just the sweetness, my son is in love with her. So she picked us up from the restaurant and took us to Darius' house. And also told me that Darius was going to have us stay with her this weekend because he's gotta be more mobile and not have to worry about us.. Cause he's busy or working or something. She's really cool. She picked us up a little later. Darius came home and packed a bag for Z. He says that we'll see if I really care about him or not. So it doesn't seem that we are going to be spending a whole lot of time together like we were last time.
He said that his sister is going to come and pick us up tomorrow cause she wants to hang out with Z. So that will be interesting. I was hoping to be able to get a lot of work on kickball done this weekend cause I was expecting to be sitting at Darius' house while he's just working. so... Idk. Guess we gotta just see what happens. I really have to buckle down and get kickball rolling or its not going to work. well, i had a bottle of wine, and my head is starting to hurt. So i'm going to crash with Z.
This entry wasn't very exciting. So, I'll try to have something more entertaining in the next entry
Oh... btw... I have a draft I have to finish editing about my epic week last week. Stay tuned
I had decided that I wasn't going to go to bed. I had a messy apartment and I hadn't packed at all for this trip. He had never seen Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Who hasn't seen that?! I was laughing hysterically, he wasn't interested in anything but me. He had been telling me all night that my lips were beautiful and he loves my hair. He's pretty almost smitten it seems. What a horrible situation to be in. I love one man and like another. What is a woman to do? Well. I finally tucked him into my bed right before five. George had agreed to give me a ride to the airport. N said that he was going to leave when I left in the morning. Yeah right, he was snoring after five minutes. I left him a note and a key so he could lock up. I packed quickly, pretty sure I forgot stuff, and straightened up less than I would have liked to. And then George was there to take me to the airport.
I had been drinking all night, after I got off work anyway. So I was coming down by the time I got to the airport. I got a cup of coffee and got on the plane pretty quickly. Couldn't really sleep on the first plane, there was a strange young chinese guy sitting next to me who was sleeping and his mouth was open. I switched planes in Phoenix, got to see Air Force One take off. And then I was here in Burbank. Burbank airport is GREAT! Sooooooo much better than LAX I never want to fly into or out of LAX again if I can help it. I sat and waited for a while for Darius to get there.
When Z first saw me he kind of had a look of disbelief on his face. Then he was laughing and happy and flirting and it was great. Darius had a meeting to go to. He dropped us off at a Restaurant called Mo's in Burbank and had a friend of his Felicia pick us up. I met her last time. She's really sweet. She has a daughter who is in sixth grade who is also just the sweetness, my son is in love with her. So she picked us up from the restaurant and took us to Darius' house. And also told me that Darius was going to have us stay with her this weekend because he's gotta be more mobile and not have to worry about us.. Cause he's busy or working or something. She's really cool. She picked us up a little later. Darius came home and packed a bag for Z. He says that we'll see if I really care about him or not. So it doesn't seem that we are going to be spending a whole lot of time together like we were last time.
He said that his sister is going to come and pick us up tomorrow cause she wants to hang out with Z. So that will be interesting. I was hoping to be able to get a lot of work on kickball done this weekend cause I was expecting to be sitting at Darius' house while he's just working. so... Idk. Guess we gotta just see what happens. I really have to buckle down and get kickball rolling or its not going to work. well, i had a bottle of wine, and my head is starting to hurt. So i'm going to crash with Z.
This entry wasn't very exciting. So, I'll try to have something more entertaining in the next entry
Oh... btw... I have a draft I have to finish editing about my epic week last week. Stay tuned
Monday, February 2, 2009
Brick by Brick
So, this is what inspiration looks like. It is always a potentially scary and uncomfortable thing to do. To come to a realization about ones self is in incredibly irritating when you find yourself arriving at the same conclusions continually. If you already know the answer just do what you have to do.
I know that nursing is not what I want to do. I could be good at it. I could make consistent money. I don't want to be a nurse. I want to soak up all the information that I can from school about how to accomplish my passion. It seems to me that life gets a lot clearer when you look for the simple answer. And that doesn't even always mean its easy, its certainly not now.
Today is a jumping off point. I am clear. In a few days, my vision may get murky again.
I am merging my dream world and my real world. My dreams are another life, I wonder if anyone else feels the same way? Dreams are another looking glass into yourself, when you can be consciously acting in your dreams, you explore your mind.
And now for the to do list for the day. The bricks to lay, the steps to take.
I know that nursing is not what I want to do. I could be good at it. I could make consistent money. I don't want to be a nurse. I want to soak up all the information that I can from school about how to accomplish my passion. It seems to me that life gets a lot clearer when you look for the simple answer. And that doesn't even always mean its easy, its certainly not now.
Today is a jumping off point. I am clear. In a few days, my vision may get murky again.
I am merging my dream world and my real world. My dreams are another life, I wonder if anyone else feels the same way? Dreams are another looking glass into yourself, when you can be consciously acting in your dreams, you explore your mind.
And now for the to do list for the day. The bricks to lay, the steps to take.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
You can't ride a bike without mastering the tricycle.
I am an idiot.
I am an emotional dingy on the open sea being tossed back and forth. Not thinking. Not focusing. Screwing up every opportunity.
Especially with him. I wish I had brought my car to J's. I wish that I hadn't told him an almost truth and played coy or disinterested. As many things as he said to me. And I know that they are true. Does he truly, truly want this as badly as I do? I feel like I lost my opportunity to really tell him. We didn't even make use of what could have been a few hours on our own. We were just sitting around at J's with other people floating around. For an entire day! Completely idiotic.
I'm stuck between three options. There is.... N, who has great potential, chemistry, humor, stability.. He could really be great, but its also a big question mark. I have definitely learned that the "best" option can sometimes be a very tricky choice, with consequences you might never imagine. I don't want to go down the road with someone new and identify myself again. Not to mention I was supposed to hear from him on Friday night. I'm pretty glad I didn't. That was quite a night.... ok.. focus
There is baby daddy. Who I love. Who I have driven crazy, who drives me crazy. But there is no denying our potential if we can make it work.... Which is a pretty big if... I don't want to relocate. I do not want to be anywhere else but here. And I think if I were to be with him it would have to be somewhere other than there. I wouldn't be happy. I don't see how I could be, and I know how he is and how volatile he can be. He is a dingy too.
Then there is this man. This man that I have loved..... I don't even know why my love for him stubbornly refused to relinquish its hold on my heart. I tell myself and my circle many things about it. But its almost like if saying these things out loud makes them true somehow, or that is the hope. I know in my heart, exactly what is up. I always have. I'm always right. I just can't ever seem to act in the best manner, especially given the information I am privy to. I think the most difficult thing is probably that it is always completely sporatic. There is no plan, it all just unfolds as it unfolds. I can see what the better thing to do afterwards, always. And I do it every time. I feel like I always do the wrong thing as far as he's concerned, I stay too long; I leave too soon; I bite my tougne; I loose all restraint; I kiss; I remain cold. Always it is the opposite which would have been best in that given moment.
Now that I have spent this chunk of time with him.. The knot is back, the hope, the fire stoked. I want nothing more than to do what we always said we would. Why do I always end up back in this place? Why am I not capable of trusting myself, and him, and doing what I always end up concluding is what I should do? I have been here too many times. And now he is... back in his cave. And I am in mine, yearning for his presence, his companionship, his burden, his joy.
I am hopelessly akward in his company. I never know what to do, how to look, what to say. In the sense that my very maturity leaves me. I am hopeless. I have this impossible standard of him in my mind that I can not overcome with being him. He seems to have the same thing of me. He says that I'm too good for him. That he couldn't find anyone better. He doesn't think he is enough, there is something that holds him back. As it does with me. And we're both in limbo. It would work better if we were doing it in tandem, life I mean, his energy is vital to me as mine is to him. Focus. Teamwork. Damn it this is so frustrating.
I am terrified of really going after it. Taking the necessary steps. I am a coward. I know what I should do yet I do not do it, for the man that I love, because of the potential for failure.. being left hung out to dry. I tip toe to the brink continually and the journey is not what it needs to be to land on the otherside of the chasm. It requires a leap. If it were a leap that I could just jump into and jump and it be done... I would have already thrown myself at its mercy. I have to build a bridge. I have to make continaul, concious, planned actions in order to ensure that there is a foundation strong enough. I know the rock I must be. I am in most ways already that rock. I need to do what needs to be done so that the rest can harden, and be strong and safe.
This is a horrible tug of war. I can already see who the winner my heart would choose. I think it is probably most wise for me to go for it. Put all other options out of my mind. Buckle down. Focus and stop ripping my own heart into peices.
This was always the plan. ALWAYS! Buckle down. Focus. Get it done.
I was ashamed to say that I had been with anyone else. It feels like an impossible stability. In myself. It feels too much a task. I need to poke myself with a cattle prod every time I walk off course.
It seems I have moments of forethought and vision and understanding. It seems that when I get back on the day to day grind, I loose sight of it. I can't regurly stand back and watch my own life. I get zoomed in too close on all the unimportant details. I frustrate myself beyond words. I don't want to continue to have this war within myself, against myself. It seems that I have a big restructure. The old patters are so comfortable and worn. I get sucked back down that path without even realizing. I am not nearly as productive and driven as I should be. Or I will squander my gifts, talents and position. I am poised. I know I'm poised! I'm going to miss my opportunity because I can't control myself when I walk. (And I'm no longer talking strictly romantic, I'm talking... everything).
Life happens to everyone. Do what you have to do and make yourself do it. Or you will fail. You will never be back in this place in history where such ripe fruit dangles to be picked. Pick the damn thing! It's your life. Do it! Make it happen!! Take some ownership. Take a step back and reasses each move. Walk lightly and carefully. You can't ride a bike without mastering the tricycle.
I am an emotional dingy on the open sea being tossed back and forth. Not thinking. Not focusing. Screwing up every opportunity.
Especially with him. I wish I had brought my car to J's. I wish that I hadn't told him an almost truth and played coy or disinterested. As many things as he said to me. And I know that they are true. Does he truly, truly want this as badly as I do? I feel like I lost my opportunity to really tell him. We didn't even make use of what could have been a few hours on our own. We were just sitting around at J's with other people floating around. For an entire day! Completely idiotic.
I'm stuck between three options. There is.... N, who has great potential, chemistry, humor, stability.. He could really be great, but its also a big question mark. I have definitely learned that the "best" option can sometimes be a very tricky choice, with consequences you might never imagine. I don't want to go down the road with someone new and identify myself again. Not to mention I was supposed to hear from him on Friday night. I'm pretty glad I didn't. That was quite a night.... ok.. focus
There is baby daddy. Who I love. Who I have driven crazy, who drives me crazy. But there is no denying our potential if we can make it work.... Which is a pretty big if... I don't want to relocate. I do not want to be anywhere else but here. And I think if I were to be with him it would have to be somewhere other than there. I wouldn't be happy. I don't see how I could be, and I know how he is and how volatile he can be. He is a dingy too.
Then there is this man. This man that I have loved..... I don't even know why my love for him stubbornly refused to relinquish its hold on my heart. I tell myself and my circle many things about it. But its almost like if saying these things out loud makes them true somehow, or that is the hope. I know in my heart, exactly what is up. I always have. I'm always right. I just can't ever seem to act in the best manner, especially given the information I am privy to. I think the most difficult thing is probably that it is always completely sporatic. There is no plan, it all just unfolds as it unfolds. I can see what the better thing to do afterwards, always. And I do it every time. I feel like I always do the wrong thing as far as he's concerned, I stay too long; I leave too soon; I bite my tougne; I loose all restraint; I kiss; I remain cold. Always it is the opposite which would have been best in that given moment.
Now that I have spent this chunk of time with him.. The knot is back, the hope, the fire stoked. I want nothing more than to do what we always said we would. Why do I always end up back in this place? Why am I not capable of trusting myself, and him, and doing what I always end up concluding is what I should do? I have been here too many times. And now he is... back in his cave. And I am in mine, yearning for his presence, his companionship, his burden, his joy.
I am hopelessly akward in his company. I never know what to do, how to look, what to say. In the sense that my very maturity leaves me. I am hopeless. I have this impossible standard of him in my mind that I can not overcome with being him. He seems to have the same thing of me. He says that I'm too good for him. That he couldn't find anyone better. He doesn't think he is enough, there is something that holds him back. As it does with me. And we're both in limbo. It would work better if we were doing it in tandem, life I mean, his energy is vital to me as mine is to him. Focus. Teamwork. Damn it this is so frustrating.
I am terrified of really going after it. Taking the necessary steps. I am a coward. I know what I should do yet I do not do it, for the man that I love, because of the potential for failure.. being left hung out to dry. I tip toe to the brink continually and the journey is not what it needs to be to land on the otherside of the chasm. It requires a leap. If it were a leap that I could just jump into and jump and it be done... I would have already thrown myself at its mercy. I have to build a bridge. I have to make continaul, concious, planned actions in order to ensure that there is a foundation strong enough. I know the rock I must be. I am in most ways already that rock. I need to do what needs to be done so that the rest can harden, and be strong and safe.
This is a horrible tug of war. I can already see who the winner my heart would choose. I think it is probably most wise for me to go for it. Put all other options out of my mind. Buckle down. Focus and stop ripping my own heart into peices.
This was always the plan. ALWAYS! Buckle down. Focus. Get it done.
I was ashamed to say that I had been with anyone else. It feels like an impossible stability. In myself. It feels too much a task. I need to poke myself with a cattle prod every time I walk off course.
It seems I have moments of forethought and vision and understanding. It seems that when I get back on the day to day grind, I loose sight of it. I can't regurly stand back and watch my own life. I get zoomed in too close on all the unimportant details. I frustrate myself beyond words. I don't want to continue to have this war within myself, against myself. It seems that I have a big restructure. The old patters are so comfortable and worn. I get sucked back down that path without even realizing. I am not nearly as productive and driven as I should be. Or I will squander my gifts, talents and position. I am poised. I know I'm poised! I'm going to miss my opportunity because I can't control myself when I walk. (And I'm no longer talking strictly romantic, I'm talking... everything).
Life happens to everyone. Do what you have to do and make yourself do it. Or you will fail. You will never be back in this place in history where such ripe fruit dangles to be picked. Pick the damn thing! It's your life. Do it! Make it happen!! Take some ownership. Take a step back and reasses each move. Walk lightly and carefully. You can't ride a bike without mastering the tricycle.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I got rocked
May I just say... DAAAAMN that was great.
There is a gentleman who I have known since the summer, and he frequents the wine bar and we've hung out and kicked it on a few occasions. Well, he is handsome, and had his shit together, and he's an ultra gentleman, oh, and he's a big fan of the grapes.
Well last night was my first time back on a Tuesday in what feels like forever. He came. He had a bottle and a half of wine. One of his friends, who is great, came in and hung out for a bit. We had a nice little pop at the end, mostly customers coming to see me. I love my job.
Well. I asked this gentleman, lets call him black, was very generous with his compliments. He really likes my hair, he took a few opportunities to touch it. I got him kinda drunk. He was "perfect" as he said. I told him that next time we hang out we need to go out, so that I don't have to be so far behind.
Well anyway I asked him to drive me home, its freaking cold out, his car was there, and I was trying to kick it with him anyway. We got back to my place... uh.. around twelve-ish. I poured us a couple scotches and we talked. I was kind of wondering when he wasu going to kiss me, he'd been giving me the look all night. We were talking about whatever whatever.. laughing a lot.. and he was on the floor, apparently he likes them they're comfortable, especially mine. So I'm down on the floor too, I'm playing it cool but trying to give him the hint that its time for him to kiss me now.
So.. I was on my tummy propped up on my elbows, and he leans over and kisses a patch of exposed skin on my lower back. It felt goooood. He so took his time. It was great. He wasn't trying to take my clothes off, he was turning me on like no ones business, but he was very respectful of my boundries at the same time. We were just exploring. I don't even know how long we were actually fooling around in that manner. Well, by this point, I'm soaked and its time to move to the bed.
That man was licking and kissing my umm... yeah... for like an hour, at least. I unbuttoned his pants.. I was actually kind of nervous of what I might find.. pretty silly considering my senses about that stuff is pretty good.. HUNG. Good god. We didn't even do it, he said he was too fucked up. He tried to leave, I convinced him to stay and he held me all night. I was going to make him breakfast this morning but he said he couldn't stay he had work to do.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Am I supposed to call him, let him call me. Should I just play it cool and let him keep chasing? I did tell him before our little session started that he's the man he's supposed to call me... I'm just a little unsteady I guess.. I like it though. Its new, he's an awesome man... He so just left here less than an hour ago. I'm in my bathrobe, my hair is in a towel. I've gotta get dressed and get to class. I'm just... Dude.. Wow.. The chemistry was tangible, and our personal styles I guess meshed really really well. I had to get my thoughts out before I drove myself crazy over analyzing it to death for the rest of the day. I gotta get to class. Help
There is a gentleman who I have known since the summer, and he frequents the wine bar and we've hung out and kicked it on a few occasions. Well, he is handsome, and had his shit together, and he's an ultra gentleman, oh, and he's a big fan of the grapes.
Well last night was my first time back on a Tuesday in what feels like forever. He came. He had a bottle and a half of wine. One of his friends, who is great, came in and hung out for a bit. We had a nice little pop at the end, mostly customers coming to see me. I love my job.
Well. I asked this gentleman, lets call him black, was very generous with his compliments. He really likes my hair, he took a few opportunities to touch it. I got him kinda drunk. He was "perfect" as he said. I told him that next time we hang out we need to go out, so that I don't have to be so far behind.
Well anyway I asked him to drive me home, its freaking cold out, his car was there, and I was trying to kick it with him anyway. We got back to my place... uh.. around twelve-ish. I poured us a couple scotches and we talked. I was kind of wondering when he wasu going to kiss me, he'd been giving me the look all night. We were talking about whatever whatever.. laughing a lot.. and he was on the floor, apparently he likes them they're comfortable, especially mine. So I'm down on the floor too, I'm playing it cool but trying to give him the hint that its time for him to kiss me now.
So.. I was on my tummy propped up on my elbows, and he leans over and kisses a patch of exposed skin on my lower back. It felt goooood. He so took his time. It was great. He wasn't trying to take my clothes off, he was turning me on like no ones business, but he was very respectful of my boundries at the same time. We were just exploring. I don't even know how long we were actually fooling around in that manner. Well, by this point, I'm soaked and its time to move to the bed.
That man was licking and kissing my umm... yeah... for like an hour, at least. I unbuttoned his pants.. I was actually kind of nervous of what I might find.. pretty silly considering my senses about that stuff is pretty good.. HUNG. Good god. We didn't even do it, he said he was too fucked up. He tried to leave, I convinced him to stay and he held me all night. I was going to make him breakfast this morning but he said he couldn't stay he had work to do.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Am I supposed to call him, let him call me. Should I just play it cool and let him keep chasing? I did tell him before our little session started that he's the man he's supposed to call me... I'm just a little unsteady I guess.. I like it though. Its new, he's an awesome man... He so just left here less than an hour ago. I'm in my bathrobe, my hair is in a towel. I've gotta get dressed and get to class. I'm just... Dude.. Wow.. The chemistry was tangible, and our personal styles I guess meshed really really well. I had to get my thoughts out before I drove myself crazy over analyzing it to death for the rest of the day. I gotta get to class. Help
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
if you want it....
Then you have to trust him.
I want to have a good relationship with him. I want to do what is best for my son. I want to not be on the enemy's side. I can identify with where he is coming from. He's upset, he's hurt. I would be too if I were in his shoes. I need to do what is best for Z. What is best for Z?
I am being advised that if I want for Darius and I to get along, I have to trust him. And I really would have never thought that he would try to take Z from me. That is a horrible crushing fear. I'm whole again now that Z is back with me. I want to do what is best for him. I am so torn apart. I think that he needs me. But he needs his dad too. Who does he need more? Right now?
Darius said something about being a California baby. I just need to know that his health will be taken care of and that my access to him will not be restricted. I don't know that I can let him get on a plane right now. It would be traumatic to him and Aly, to have her brother gone without warning, just disappear.
I'm scared. Its really really important that I do what is right for my son. I'm having a hard time figuring out what that is.. without being emotional. What is best for my son?
Am I keeping him here for selfish reasons? My parents aren't going to be happy that I'm even talking to Darius. They want me to tell him to go fuck himself. I really WANT to trust him. I love him, care about him at the least and I always will. I'm all noodles in my brain.
I want to have a good relationship with him. I want to do what is best for my son. I want to not be on the enemy's side. I can identify with where he is coming from. He's upset, he's hurt. I would be too if I were in his shoes. I need to do what is best for Z. What is best for Z?
I am being advised that if I want for Darius and I to get along, I have to trust him. And I really would have never thought that he would try to take Z from me. That is a horrible crushing fear. I'm whole again now that Z is back with me. I want to do what is best for him. I am so torn apart. I think that he needs me. But he needs his dad too. Who does he need more? Right now?
Darius said something about being a California baby. I just need to know that his health will be taken care of and that my access to him will not be restricted. I don't know that I can let him get on a plane right now. It would be traumatic to him and Aly, to have her brother gone without warning, just disappear.
I'm scared. Its really really important that I do what is right for my son. I'm having a hard time figuring out what that is.. without being emotional. What is best for my son?
Am I keeping him here for selfish reasons? My parents aren't going to be happy that I'm even talking to Darius. They want me to tell him to go fuck himself. I really WANT to trust him. I love him, care about him at the least and I always will. I'm all noodles in my brain.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
bored
It hasn't really been much of a day... but it FEELS like a big day.
Yesterday was great. Melissa came over and we caught up a bit, and then George came over, he brought lots of wine, dinner, and cake :D It was a great time. I really enjoyed talking to everyone. Entertaining.
I'm pretty lonely today.
Still haven't made the phone call.... any of them
Yesterday was great. Melissa came over and we caught up a bit, and then George came over, he brought lots of wine, dinner, and cake :D It was a great time. I really enjoyed talking to everyone. Entertaining.
I'm pretty lonely today.
Still haven't made the phone call.... any of them
Monday, January 12, 2009
what a start to the year
This year has already been quite the frustrating roller coaster.
I'm still waiting on my check to come from school and I'm beyond frustrated that it hasn't gotten here. I have a LOT that I need to get done and its very dependent on getting that money.
Z got sick. It was so sad and I couldn't get anything done. And then Aly got sick and its sad. She's starting to get better but she had it so much worse than Z. I'm pretty sure that it was the same thing.. But it SUCKS
I can't understand what is taking so long for that check to get here! The origin, the post office and my place are ALL THE SAME ZIP CODE!!
P has been most seriously invading my space. And I feel bad that I'm annoyed by him. I like that we can text all day long and he answers. But idk its like he's getting possessive or starting to feel entitled to a certain amount of my time and attention. He saved me on Sunday and allowed me to be able to was four loads of puked on clothes but then he wouldn't freaking LEAVE! He's driving me kinda nuts! He seemed kind of offended when I asked him to leave because Kyrianna was coming over. He seriously just posts up. UGH.
The talk with Kyrianna was really eye opening, hearing about how she grew up and her experiences in her life. I am giving up on romance. I'm locking my heart up and throwing away the key. My kids need all of my energy. I'm too social. And they don't need to see me moving from guy to guy. They need me more than I need someone.
I wasn't really in the mission to find someone anyway.. But now I'm definitely off the market. I'm stuck between D and A. And I think that I should just be alone. I decided to have those babies so they come first. They didn't do anything to me, and I owe them everything!
I have been struggling with reconciling the mom me and the young me. I'm going into hermit mode and its hard to do for someone like me who is so incredibly extroverted and social. I'm not really giving up anything cause I wasn't happy being babiless and out there. I was lonely. I don't want to be alone. I want to have that special someone with me but it seems that I have made choices in my life that lead to me being by myself. My life is on hold. My dreams, my aspirations are over with for now.
I wish that one of them would just pull their head out of their ass and man up. I wish that I could be with D. I wish that he would just give me the love that he has and stop fighting me. He doesn't understand that I am loyal to a fight and I hate that he stays so guarded from me that way. He has improved a lot but he has a lot of growing up to do.
Oh well. These are the choices that I've made and I need to follow through with the consequences.
But why am I so lonely. I'm not really giving up anything..
Its a lot easier to hit the self destruct button. It seems a lot easier to settle. But I can't seem to do it. I could have my pick of men. But I can't settle. I want this unattainable something. The sparks and tension. I can't seem to find it. I can't be passionately in love with someone and have them feel the same about me.
I keep hoping that it would be D. It could be.
I'm ashamed to admit that the possibility of our future was a factor in a lot of my decion making. or at least something that came into my brain. Am I really just too much woman? I have no desire to give anyone else that opportunity to let me down when I have given them that love.
I decided that I'm going to call A tomorrow. Just to say hi, maybe catch up a bit and see how he is. I don't necessarily want to be with him, or be back with him. I would love to be in his arms again... but I want his friendship more than anything. And it hurts that he is gone from my life. But I'm wondering if I should be more hurt about the fact that he has put me second to other people more than once. I go above and beyond and over the moon. And he so easily picks me up off the shelf and then puts me back down. Why do I need him in my life?
I talked to PD today and he said some stuff that kind of bothered me. Constance got him a whole bunch of great stuff for christmas. Flat screen in his room , sweet leather jacket and lots of other stuff. He put me back down and she bought his love? It hurts. I didn't have much but I was resourceful and did everything I could. How does he have my heart still? There's a dull pain in my chest when I think about being in his arms. I wish that I was able to express myself more with him and dig into him more. I just never want to pry. I expressed my love for him in a sexual way. I don't know if he understood how much it truley was love making.
He said more than once that he sometimes felt pressured to have sex with me. I wanted to do it with him all the time because it was how I expressed my love for him. I probably put too much into that becaues my communication skills are still stunted. I get too passionate. I let him lead. He said that the less I do the more he'll want me. So I did less. And he called me once to come and see me. It was great. That hug was amazing. He said he missed me, he was excited to see me. Then I didn't call him for a few days and then he emails me and says that he understands why I dropped out.
As long as we can be friends..
Its going to be hard to lock myself down the way that I need to. I need to make sure that I still get out and that I spend time with good people who care about me and will bring me up. I'm scared about becoming depressed. I feel it creeping in sometimes. Or is it just lonliness. I'm yearning for that kind of connection. Just to love and be loved. No pressure, no strings.
Maybe one day. It certainly won't be today... or tomorrow
I'm going to just buckle down and focus on what I need to be.
I'm still waiting on my check to come from school and I'm beyond frustrated that it hasn't gotten here. I have a LOT that I need to get done and its very dependent on getting that money.
Z got sick. It was so sad and I couldn't get anything done. And then Aly got sick and its sad. She's starting to get better but she had it so much worse than Z. I'm pretty sure that it was the same thing.. But it SUCKS
I can't understand what is taking so long for that check to get here! The origin, the post office and my place are ALL THE SAME ZIP CODE!!
P has been most seriously invading my space. And I feel bad that I'm annoyed by him. I like that we can text all day long and he answers. But idk its like he's getting possessive or starting to feel entitled to a certain amount of my time and attention. He saved me on Sunday and allowed me to be able to was four loads of puked on clothes but then he wouldn't freaking LEAVE! He's driving me kinda nuts! He seemed kind of offended when I asked him to leave because Kyrianna was coming over. He seriously just posts up. UGH.
The talk with Kyrianna was really eye opening, hearing about how she grew up and her experiences in her life. I am giving up on romance. I'm locking my heart up and throwing away the key. My kids need all of my energy. I'm too social. And they don't need to see me moving from guy to guy. They need me more than I need someone.
I wasn't really in the mission to find someone anyway.. But now I'm definitely off the market. I'm stuck between D and A. And I think that I should just be alone. I decided to have those babies so they come first. They didn't do anything to me, and I owe them everything!
I have been struggling with reconciling the mom me and the young me. I'm going into hermit mode and its hard to do for someone like me who is so incredibly extroverted and social. I'm not really giving up anything cause I wasn't happy being babiless and out there. I was lonely. I don't want to be alone. I want to have that special someone with me but it seems that I have made choices in my life that lead to me being by myself. My life is on hold. My dreams, my aspirations are over with for now.
I wish that one of them would just pull their head out of their ass and man up. I wish that I could be with D. I wish that he would just give me the love that he has and stop fighting me. He doesn't understand that I am loyal to a fight and I hate that he stays so guarded from me that way. He has improved a lot but he has a lot of growing up to do.
Oh well. These are the choices that I've made and I need to follow through with the consequences.
But why am I so lonely. I'm not really giving up anything..
Its a lot easier to hit the self destruct button. It seems a lot easier to settle. But I can't seem to do it. I could have my pick of men. But I can't settle. I want this unattainable something. The sparks and tension. I can't seem to find it. I can't be passionately in love with someone and have them feel the same about me.
I keep hoping that it would be D. It could be.
I'm ashamed to admit that the possibility of our future was a factor in a lot of my decion making. or at least something that came into my brain. Am I really just too much woman? I have no desire to give anyone else that opportunity to let me down when I have given them that love.
I decided that I'm going to call A tomorrow. Just to say hi, maybe catch up a bit and see how he is. I don't necessarily want to be with him, or be back with him. I would love to be in his arms again... but I want his friendship more than anything. And it hurts that he is gone from my life. But I'm wondering if I should be more hurt about the fact that he has put me second to other people more than once. I go above and beyond and over the moon. And he so easily picks me up off the shelf and then puts me back down. Why do I need him in my life?
I talked to PD today and he said some stuff that kind of bothered me. Constance got him a whole bunch of great stuff for christmas. Flat screen in his room , sweet leather jacket and lots of other stuff. He put me back down and she bought his love? It hurts. I didn't have much but I was resourceful and did everything I could. How does he have my heart still? There's a dull pain in my chest when I think about being in his arms. I wish that I was able to express myself more with him and dig into him more. I just never want to pry. I expressed my love for him in a sexual way. I don't know if he understood how much it truley was love making.
He said more than once that he sometimes felt pressured to have sex with me. I wanted to do it with him all the time because it was how I expressed my love for him. I probably put too much into that becaues my communication skills are still stunted. I get too passionate. I let him lead. He said that the less I do the more he'll want me. So I did less. And he called me once to come and see me. It was great. That hug was amazing. He said he missed me, he was excited to see me. Then I didn't call him for a few days and then he emails me and says that he understands why I dropped out.
As long as we can be friends..
Its going to be hard to lock myself down the way that I need to. I need to make sure that I still get out and that I spend time with good people who care about me and will bring me up. I'm scared about becoming depressed. I feel it creeping in sometimes. Or is it just lonliness. I'm yearning for that kind of connection. Just to love and be loved. No pressure, no strings.
Maybe one day. It certainly won't be today... or tomorrow
I'm going to just buckle down and focus on what I need to be.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Decisions
Well. The decision was finally made. Finally. And I put off breaking the news to the affected party for so long.
I made it clear that I had nothing to discuss with him. And he is threatening me and harassing me via text message. Like that is going to make me want to talk to him. All he is trying to do is get a foothold to manipulate the situation. No judge is going to side w
I'm so sad and frustrated that he couldn't be better than this. I had so much foolish hope in him. I'm sad that things have to be this way. But I guess they do.
I don't have anything else to say to him. I'm sorry that he couldn't be more of a man than he was. He is delusional if he thinks that going to court is something that I have a problem with. He's just trying to squirm out of having to do it because its going to suck for him.
I need to call the prosecutors tomorrow.
And now I have to go back to my parents house till who knows when because my mom has to go to canada. This is going to suck. I HATE being there. There is no privacy. No food. and No phone reception. I was looking forward to taking a break from them for a few days.
Plus I'm waiting on the check that never comes apparently. How long does it really take through the mail to go ten blocks?! I wish I had been able to go into the office and pick it up. This is really messing with my timetable of what needs to be done and when. This is ridiculous. I'm so very frustrated. What a great time to quit smoking.
I made it clear that I had nothing to discuss with him. And he is threatening me and harassing me via text message. Like that is going to make me want to talk to him. All he is trying to do is get a foothold to manipulate the situation. No judge is going to side w
I'm so sad and frustrated that he couldn't be better than this. I had so much foolish hope in him. I'm sad that things have to be this way. But I guess they do.
I don't have anything else to say to him. I'm sorry that he couldn't be more of a man than he was. He is delusional if he thinks that going to court is something that I have a problem with. He's just trying to squirm out of having to do it because its going to suck for him.
I need to call the prosecutors tomorrow.
And now I have to go back to my parents house till who knows when because my mom has to go to canada. This is going to suck. I HATE being there. There is no privacy. No food. and No phone reception. I was looking forward to taking a break from them for a few days.
Plus I'm waiting on the check that never comes apparently. How long does it really take through the mail to go ten blocks?! I wish I had been able to go into the office and pick it up. This is really messing with my timetable of what needs to be done and when. This is ridiculous. I'm so very frustrated. What a great time to quit smoking.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The Fear
I have heard it said that there are only two types of emotions in this world... Love and Fear. Everything falls into one of those two categories.
Love is the most terrifying feeling of all.
It didn't used to be. It used to be, when I was young and naive that the feeling of being in love was comforting and safe. It made me feel powerful and larger than life.
I thought that my heart broke when I went to Montana and was separated from Calvin but I really had no idea. We were really on our way out anyway. And we didn't break up. I was rejected I was removed from the situation. His poor heart was really broken. But then he was a lot older than me too.
I've broken many many hearts along my way. I have always been a master chameleon. I can blend into any social setting and not only be homogeneous with it but be at the top. I have morphed into whatever it was that the person I was with wanted. It wasn't even a conscious thought. I just did it.
I do the same thing in bed. Darius was telling me that I take control when we are doing it. I'm always in the passive role (well not always) but I am very attentive and sensitive to my lover and I just do what they tell me, they dont have to speak.
Then came this man. This enigma. I still don't even know what it is about him. Maybe its the glimpses into his soul that I have been afforded when his guard was down. How could I not love him? Not loving him doesn't add up in my brain, let alone my heart.
I don't need to talk to him to know what his emotional state is or what is going on with him. All I have to do is look at him. Share a few words over a few days. I know. He is part of me, or was. He has amputated himself.
My friend PD has been the premier authority on A. He offers fresh perspective sometimes. There are a few key points that have stuck in my head. He has told me that A is just playing me. And he is a master at game so he knows what to say and how to say it and what to do to get a certain response. I think that A is amazingly careful about what he says. He doesnt' speak on something unless he is really, really sure about it. But when he lets his guard down some.. When he's just him.. That isn't him playing games. That is him speaking truth. He loves me. And he is terrified of it. Its powerful and consuming.
PD also said that I am too masculine. Meaning that I am to independent. He needs me to need him. Like Constance needs him, because if he left her she would be lost. He knows that I'm strong and that I can survive. And I think like a man when it comes to sex most of the time too. I don't think that is fair if its true. Isn't a strong woman something desirable. Someone who can hold down their shit and hold you down too? Someone who is loyal and faithful and consistent; someone who can give space when you need it or come close when you need her.
I don't understand what is wrong about how I love. I go WAY above and beyond. WAY WAY. Last year around the holidays... I got him a tree. Got him furniture for his place. I would freaking cook for him, freeze it and bring it over so he would have something good to eat when he was hungry. I would fuck him stupid, show up in lingerie under a trench coat... massage his back.. just sit on the couch next to him and chill. I was always in his arms. We fit so perfectly spooned. He told me that I am the only woman that he has be holding when he fell asleep and still been holding when he woke up.
We always had a good time. And most of the time we were just chilling at his place.
He told me once that all you need to do to keep a man happy is fuck him, feed him, and leave him alone.
He also told me that the less I do the more he'll want me.
One time after a Friday night at the pub we all came back to my place (all of us being A, PD, Jason and Chad) I was super hostess. I made them all those bad ass post drinking sandwiches that I do. I kept my heels on in the kitchen while I was cooking. I had beer for everyone. And I even had a fat sack for the boys to smoke (back in my smokin' days) I was super hostess. Andrew was all but drooling. Then I sat down on the couch with him and he was holding my hand.. holding my hand.. It was a BIG deal! Acting like that with me in front of his boys, our boys. Good god.
You saw the text messages. And then I don't call for a few days and he sends me an email and says ok, you dropped out. have a nice life?
He's shattered my heart more than once. I healed mostly last time.
I got with Darius. I loved him too. Not the consuming thing I had with A. But I loved him none the less. We made a baby, in love. It was different though. And I still care about him. I always will. And if he could get himself straight and really see me.... Then I would give him a shot.
God, one time... A put on the song that he sampled you take my heart away from, the original, and he held me in his arms and we danced around his apartment.
So I don't believe that he doesn't love me, or didnt' love me. I dont believe that he was just using me to get some. The thought that all he misses is fucking me.. It breaks my heart.
I'm used to him going mia for days at a time. Because that is just Andrew and how he operates. I just wish I had been given a shot to be his woman. He shacked up with C. And for some reason couldn't even tell her that I live downtown because she dislikes me so much.
I feel betrayed. He chose her over me. I have been there. Always been there. Faithful and constant and loyal. There is a dull ache in my chest that I carry around with me everywhere. Sometimes it rises and turns into a stabbing pain.
Man. The bar manager at his Wednesday night spot.. Who is "close friends" with A he said he could see that A loves me. By the change in him when I came into the spot. The way the music changed. I made him better.
Why would he not keep me?
I'm terrified of ever being this vulnerable to anyone else. For me to give anyone the power to do this to me. I would almost rather have him come back and break my heart again. He's already in. I don't want anyone else. I want him. I want him at his best, and he can be there.
So.... My heart is off limits. I've locked it away. But I have to be very careful how I handle these feelings and deal with them. I don't want to be come cynical and loose my ability to love. I'm emotionaly unavailable. As much as I would like to say that he can never have me back.. he could.. but no one else can have me.
Love is the most terrifying feeling of all.
It didn't used to be. It used to be, when I was young and naive that the feeling of being in love was comforting and safe. It made me feel powerful and larger than life.
I thought that my heart broke when I went to Montana and was separated from Calvin but I really had no idea. We were really on our way out anyway. And we didn't break up. I was rejected I was removed from the situation. His poor heart was really broken. But then he was a lot older than me too.
I've broken many many hearts along my way. I have always been a master chameleon. I can blend into any social setting and not only be homogeneous with it but be at the top. I have morphed into whatever it was that the person I was with wanted. It wasn't even a conscious thought. I just did it.
I do the same thing in bed. Darius was telling me that I take control when we are doing it. I'm always in the passive role (well not always) but I am very attentive and sensitive to my lover and I just do what they tell me, they dont have to speak.
Then came this man. This enigma. I still don't even know what it is about him. Maybe its the glimpses into his soul that I have been afforded when his guard was down. How could I not love him? Not loving him doesn't add up in my brain, let alone my heart.
I don't need to talk to him to know what his emotional state is or what is going on with him. All I have to do is look at him. Share a few words over a few days. I know. He is part of me, or was. He has amputated himself.
My friend PD has been the premier authority on A. He offers fresh perspective sometimes. There are a few key points that have stuck in my head. He has told me that A is just playing me. And he is a master at game so he knows what to say and how to say it and what to do to get a certain response. I think that A is amazingly careful about what he says. He doesnt' speak on something unless he is really, really sure about it. But when he lets his guard down some.. When he's just him.. That isn't him playing games. That is him speaking truth. He loves me. And he is terrified of it. Its powerful and consuming.
PD also said that I am too masculine. Meaning that I am to independent. He needs me to need him. Like Constance needs him, because if he left her she would be lost. He knows that I'm strong and that I can survive. And I think like a man when it comes to sex most of the time too. I don't think that is fair if its true. Isn't a strong woman something desirable. Someone who can hold down their shit and hold you down too? Someone who is loyal and faithful and consistent; someone who can give space when you need it or come close when you need her.
I don't understand what is wrong about how I love. I go WAY above and beyond. WAY WAY. Last year around the holidays... I got him a tree. Got him furniture for his place. I would freaking cook for him, freeze it and bring it over so he would have something good to eat when he was hungry. I would fuck him stupid, show up in lingerie under a trench coat... massage his back.. just sit on the couch next to him and chill. I was always in his arms. We fit so perfectly spooned. He told me that I am the only woman that he has be holding when he fell asleep and still been holding when he woke up.
We always had a good time. And most of the time we were just chilling at his place.
He told me once that all you need to do to keep a man happy is fuck him, feed him, and leave him alone.
He also told me that the less I do the more he'll want me.
One time after a Friday night at the pub we all came back to my place (all of us being A, PD, Jason and Chad) I was super hostess. I made them all those bad ass post drinking sandwiches that I do. I kept my heels on in the kitchen while I was cooking. I had beer for everyone. And I even had a fat sack for the boys to smoke (back in my smokin' days) I was super hostess. Andrew was all but drooling. Then I sat down on the couch with him and he was holding my hand.. holding my hand.. It was a BIG deal! Acting like that with me in front of his boys, our boys. Good god.
You saw the text messages. And then I don't call for a few days and he sends me an email and says ok, you dropped out. have a nice life?
He's shattered my heart more than once. I healed mostly last time.
I got with Darius. I loved him too. Not the consuming thing I had with A. But I loved him none the less. We made a baby, in love. It was different though. And I still care about him. I always will. And if he could get himself straight and really see me.... Then I would give him a shot.
God, one time... A put on the song that he sampled you take my heart away from, the original, and he held me in his arms and we danced around his apartment.
So I don't believe that he doesn't love me, or didnt' love me. I dont believe that he was just using me to get some. The thought that all he misses is fucking me.. It breaks my heart.
I'm used to him going mia for days at a time. Because that is just Andrew and how he operates. I just wish I had been given a shot to be his woman. He shacked up with C. And for some reason couldn't even tell her that I live downtown because she dislikes me so much.
I feel betrayed. He chose her over me. I have been there. Always been there. Faithful and constant and loyal. There is a dull ache in my chest that I carry around with me everywhere. Sometimes it rises and turns into a stabbing pain.
Man. The bar manager at his Wednesday night spot.. Who is "close friends" with A he said he could see that A loves me. By the change in him when I came into the spot. The way the music changed. I made him better.
Why would he not keep me?
I'm terrified of ever being this vulnerable to anyone else. For me to give anyone the power to do this to me. I would almost rather have him come back and break my heart again. He's already in. I don't want anyone else. I want him. I want him at his best, and he can be there.
So.... My heart is off limits. I've locked it away. But I have to be very careful how I handle these feelings and deal with them. I don't want to be come cynical and loose my ability to love. I'm emotionaly unavailable. As much as I would like to say that he can never have me back.. he could.. but no one else can have me.
Friday, January 2, 2009
text message detox
I'll start with the most recent and back peddle. These are all saved in my "saved messages" folder. What a year.
12/08/2008 8:56am
I miss fucking you.
10/30/2008 11:48pm
I hope everything is ok with. I really didn't know what to think of your message from the other day. hope you are doing what u enjoy. much love.
10/27/2008 2:52pm
Well it wasn't self explanatory. sounds like u r upset about something. so. what does it mean 4 real? that i am being constantly manipulated?
10/16/2008 10:55pm
Dope. love you. wish i could fuck you tonight.
9/21/2008 4:32am
yeah everything okay. just walking home now. long night downtown and just was thinking about how we should talk about some stuff.
9/13/2008 1:50am
missed you tonight what ya up to?
01/02/2008 11:20pm
start by telling me what its about
01/01/2008 10:19am
no sweat. its just what i do. sorry we couldn't fuck. next time.
on 12/31/2008 this is what i sent him:
2008 is going to be an amazing year. it seems very much that this is the start of my life and everything prior to this has been training. i see so many pieces falling into place so nicely. i am beyond blessed that you are in my life to experience thsi coaster with me. i sometimes feel that i have a block that keeps me from putting so much out there like i want to; for this i apologize. this life will be an amazing journey. we will climb and conquer. just imagine what the view from the top will be. ready?
12/21/2007 4:28pm
hate...love?
12/21/2007 3:07
oh i just saw your messages from last night. what do you mean by have for me?
12/12/2007 6:57am
i love you more
12/11/2007 11:08pm
i love you
12/10/2007 3:11pm
its aight. i miss you and home
11/10/2007 4:58am
yeah me too. i wanna get your pussy wet and bend u over. i love to see that ass and pussy from
behind. its so hot. then i step up grab your hips and fuck that s
11/10/2007 4:16am
just wanted to fuck ya good. i dont care that marks here. im on this whole new level right now. im just feelin good. thanks for the hard work tonight.
11/10/2007 4:05am
nothin really just wanted to see u, but im way too available right now
Man. I let him come back and come back and come back. Every time I let him back I wish I had made him work harder to get back in the door. I used to text and im with him and just wait for him to say I could come over.
According to a few sources he was never faithful to me like he said he was. He told me point blank that he wasn't having sex with anyone else but that he wasn't ready or looking for "commitment" and apparently last winter he was messing with someone else and a mutual friend thought that she was the other girl. And apparently the other girl this last spring I'm actually friends with now.
We always promised each other that we would always be honest with each other. And we also said we would be in each other's lives for the rest of them.
Where is he now?
I'm detoxing him out of my system. I'm afraid of the day he comes back and looks into my eyes. I'm afraid that I'll fall all over again and I'm also afraid that I won't.
Because one thing is certain. He will come back.
12/08/2008 8:56am
I miss fucking you.
10/30/2008 11:48pm
I hope everything is ok with. I really didn't know what to think of your message from the other day. hope you are doing what u enjoy. much love.
10/27/2008 2:52pm
Well it wasn't self explanatory. sounds like u r upset about something. so. what does it mean 4 real? that i am being constantly manipulated?
10/16/2008 10:55pm
Dope. love you. wish i could fuck you tonight.
9/21/2008 4:32am
yeah everything okay. just walking home now. long night downtown and just was thinking about how we should talk about some stuff.
9/13/2008 1:50am
missed you tonight what ya up to?
01/02/2008 11:20pm
start by telling me what its about
01/01/2008 10:19am
no sweat. its just what i do. sorry we couldn't fuck. next time.
on 12/31/2008 this is what i sent him:
2008 is going to be an amazing year. it seems very much that this is the start of my life and everything prior to this has been training. i see so many pieces falling into place so nicely. i am beyond blessed that you are in my life to experience thsi coaster with me. i sometimes feel that i have a block that keeps me from putting so much out there like i want to; for this i apologize. this life will be an amazing journey. we will climb and conquer. just imagine what the view from the top will be. ready?
12/21/2007 4:28pm
hate...love?
12/21/2007 3:07
oh i just saw your messages from last night. what do you mean by have for me?
12/12/2007 6:57am
i love you more
12/11/2007 11:08pm
i love you
12/10/2007 3:11pm
its aight. i miss you and home
11/10/2007 4:58am
yeah me too. i wanna get your pussy wet and bend u over. i love to see that ass and pussy from
behind. its so hot. then i step up grab your hips and fuck that s
11/10/2007 4:16am
just wanted to fuck ya good. i dont care that marks here. im on this whole new level right now. im just feelin good. thanks for the hard work tonight.
11/10/2007 4:05am
nothin really just wanted to see u, but im way too available right now
Man. I let him come back and come back and come back. Every time I let him back I wish I had made him work harder to get back in the door. I used to text and im with him and just wait for him to say I could come over.
According to a few sources he was never faithful to me like he said he was. He told me point blank that he wasn't having sex with anyone else but that he wasn't ready or looking for "commitment" and apparently last winter he was messing with someone else and a mutual friend thought that she was the other girl. And apparently the other girl this last spring I'm actually friends with now.
We always promised each other that we would always be honest with each other. And we also said we would be in each other's lives for the rest of them.
Where is he now?
I'm detoxing him out of my system. I'm afraid of the day he comes back and looks into my eyes. I'm afraid that I'll fall all over again and I'm also afraid that I won't.
Because one thing is certain. He will come back.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Reflections
2008 was quite the year.
Last year on NYE I was at the best party of 2008. I was completely head over heels in love.
My feet weren't even on the ground. I was overly optimistic with some unreal expectations of what might and could be coming in the next year.
This year has taught me some great things. I've been hurt deeply. I might be a little jaded. But I got grounded this year. Solid and planted.
I still feel a little lost though. I have a general idea of where I want to go. But I haven't found my nitche. I'm plugging away at school but my grades were horrible last semester and I'm scared that I might not even get into the program that I wanted.
I'm not even doing something that I'm passionate about. I am just working to get a peice of paper so I can get paid. I'll be good at it. But not something I'm extra excited about.
The only way to get what you want is to know what you want. That is what I need to figure out.
And still the same thoughts linger. Linger...
I think this year I need to be more introspective. I need to internalize. I need to focus. I need to listen to myself. I have the answers. I need to be more careful about the people that I allow into my circle and into my world.
I need to get my auroa focused and cleansed. I need to be doing some kind of exercise . Disciple is so hard for me. It has to be done. Or its not going to happen. I wont be able to reach any of my goals. I'll be stuck in a rut forever, but it will get deeper.
I think I might be flirting with depression. Its hard to be alone.
I feel like I've been robbed. I wish I was excited and optimistic like I was last year. I was so excited. 2008 was going to be the year. The year that it all came together. Maybe this year can actually be the year. Things are hard.
I'm emotionally paralyzed.
Maybe its just hard to be alone during the holidays. No prospects in sight. Not even interested. Just want someone strong and safe. Its just loneliness.
Last year on NYE I was at the best party of 2008. I was completely head over heels in love.
My feet weren't even on the ground. I was overly optimistic with some unreal expectations of what might and could be coming in the next year.
This year has taught me some great things. I've been hurt deeply. I might be a little jaded. But I got grounded this year. Solid and planted.
I still feel a little lost though. I have a general idea of where I want to go. But I haven't found my nitche. I'm plugging away at school but my grades were horrible last semester and I'm scared that I might not even get into the program that I wanted.
I'm not even doing something that I'm passionate about. I am just working to get a peice of paper so I can get paid. I'll be good at it. But not something I'm extra excited about.
The only way to get what you want is to know what you want. That is what I need to figure out.
And still the same thoughts linger. Linger...
I think this year I need to be more introspective. I need to internalize. I need to focus. I need to listen to myself. I have the answers. I need to be more careful about the people that I allow into my circle and into my world.
I need to get my auroa focused and cleansed. I need to be doing some kind of exercise . Disciple is so hard for me. It has to be done. Or its not going to happen. I wont be able to reach any of my goals. I'll be stuck in a rut forever, but it will get deeper.
I think I might be flirting with depression. Its hard to be alone.
I feel like I've been robbed. I wish I was excited and optimistic like I was last year. I was so excited. 2008 was going to be the year. The year that it all came together. Maybe this year can actually be the year. Things are hard.
I'm emotionally paralyzed.
Maybe its just hard to be alone during the holidays. No prospects in sight. Not even interested. Just want someone strong and safe. Its just loneliness.
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