Things unfold as they are supposed to

It must be true.

If you had asked me two months ago if I would consider leaving my beloved city and moving across the country to a city I detest I would have laughed in your face.

Turns out.. I'm considering it.

I really have to weight the options carefully.. There are a number of issues that need to be considered. A lot of people. My parents, his family, my children.

So far.... I'm leaning toward the move. It would be better for my children. I can apply for nursing programs out here.. and I can take out a student loan to cover my living expenses and I can be stay at home mommy to both of my children under the same roof.. And I could take care of this man that I care about so much who has worked so hard his whole life for everyone else.

He deserves to be taken care of. He deserves to have someone love him for no other reason than he is himself, a person.

I would be away from the people that irritated me the most in life.... I wouldn't really know anyone but him and my kids and his friends and associates, his family too.. they are great..

I would have to find, apply to, and get accepted to a good nursing school.. and I'd also have to get student loan money to cover expenses or possibly get a little part time job..

I would loose the support of my father, he has been taking care of me financially. But to be separated from my children is killing me. One is a thirty minute drive away and the other is on the other side of the country.

I don't see any other possible solution that would be as beneficial.

Best case scenario in the city that I love.... I'll be able to purchase property... I'll live right in the heart of the place I love.. But there isn't really any school for me to send my oldest to unless I pay a lot of money.. And I'll be single and restless for who knows how long.. But I could be an instrumental part of making the city I love reach the potential that it has never reached before.

Why do I pour so much of my love into this city? Why do I love it so much? I love it like a walking talking breathing person. The mere thought of leaving it made me cry today. There are so many things that I LOVE about it. So many reasons why I never want to leave it. But bringing HIM and my children all together under one roof, there.... seems impossible.. he has no work there..

Sadness. Broken hearted but hopeful

My most recent anthem and kareoke signature

Insomnia

I'm sitting here at six thirty in the morning in front of my lap top, sleepless for almost two days. I really, really wish that I had a cigarette. But at least I won't sleep through class again today.

Please tell me why I'm watching a romantic comedy. These movies are horrible when you're in a position like I am. I'm hopeless.

Someone once asked me if two people love each other when do you call it? The answer was never, you never call it.

What if one of the lovers is emotionally retarded and shuts down every time feelings rise? Then when do you call it?

Can I walk away? Can I keep this break? Even if our relationship can't progress beyond a friendship.... I'd rather have that than nothing.

And why is he the only one that can't love me, or allow himself to feel and act on it?

The one man who could posses me chooses not to. And I am incapable of giving anyone else a fair opportunity to win my heart, regardless of the checks in their pros column. I cannot escape him.

I would have done everything and anything and I have for him. Gone way above and beyond. Always been standing at his side through everything. He hasn't treated me the way that I wanted him to. He put me on the back burner too quickly. And still I stood there. He came back, he always does. How long can I be this solid rock?

It has been severed. There has been no communication and I want to sink through the floor deep down into the earth. I have always known he doesn't want anything committed or serious, that's fine. The thing that kills me is that our friendship isn't important enough for him to put effort toward it. It wouldn't take much. A phone call. A text message. Anything.

I can't believe I haven't run into him in this last month. This small big city is tiny.

Part of my justification at the time was that I couldn't give the new suitor a chance with him still in my heart. Well, I really screwed the pooch because that wasn't going to be anything anyway. It was forced. It was too fast. He had me on the fast track to the alter and I'm not there. I can't handle that.

I think the solution should be for me just to be by myself. Its so hard when he haunts my dreams, when everywhere I go, everywhere I look, most of the people I know..... they are all reminders of him, of a moment, a memory. It is all for naught. My heart is not my own but I need to remain selfish. I need to keep the focus on myself. Now is not the time. I must hold my ground.

I told him in that final email that he never responded to that I would always be here. And I will. Maybe I shouldn't have told him that. But I did and its out there. At the very least. I want my friend back.

That movie killed me. Absolutely killed me. It reminded me of our relationship, our dynamic, what we had, what it used to be.

If I didn't have children could he get past it? If it was just me.... would we be here loving each other?

Its all irrelevant and I'm wasting energy on him even now.....

Nose to the grind stone.. Time to knock some things off the list.

The first

Well, here we go....

I am in serious contemplation/reflection/reinvention/transition mode and I thought maybe someone out there might be able to identify or offer input or whatever.

I'm pretty drained tonight...

Tomorrow maybe I can come up with something interesting to put out in the universe.