waiting

Waiting.. Waiting.. on a few things..

my relief to get here for one so i can be done for the day. its been a long day and i have no desire to be here later than four at the latest.. and yet.. here i sit.. my relief came around four.. sat around.. ate a banana pudding and had a cup of coffee and then ran back to his house.. and i'm waiting for him to come back again.. he wants tuesdays off.. maybe i'll just make mondays my days off and then do all day tuesday-friday.. that might work best.. idk.. we'll have to figure it out..

I really need to eat something.. and yet i have an appetite for nothing.. i had a bag of chips this morning for breakfast..

My bra broke today.. it has been threatening to break for sometime.. and it finally did.. and now i'm bra-less which i HATE! I feel very exposed.. they said it was under warranty i hope that it still is.. because.. i have now purchased two $60 dollar bras that broke in the last six months.. which is just ridiculous..

I really would rather be doing a million things than sitting here and rambling to you about whatever is crossing my brain.. but.. unfortunately i'm stuck.. and here i sit..

i dont feel like doing anything.. i need to get some more magic.. but the game wiped me out damn near.. i've got 44 plus the 100 i have to recycle for tomorrow.. ugh.. i'm getting crabby and cranky sitting here..

my stomach is turning on itself.. and there is nothing here that i want to put into my mouth, not to mention the fact that the stock is low anyway.. so i probably shouldnt be eating it..

i'm currently trying to decide if i want to pop up next door.. i think maybe that i should just go home.. i'm bra-less after all.. and then i can come out later for jazzloft if i decide i can get back out.. uuuugggh.. maybe i can get j to give me those bricks and wood tonight and then i could do my clothes!! that would make me feel so much better if i wasn't living off of piles of stuff everywhere........

ok i'm going to click around with some mindlessness until he gets back and try to amuse myself..

shit

so, i woke up this morning to a horrible pain in the lower right side of my back. It has been crippling me all day. I vomited this morning as well. a fried had spent the night. I didn't go to any of the usual thursday night spots either. I just came home early and fell asleep early. Then woke up with this horrible pain. I can't imagine how I would have gotten through work today, and it was busy, with this. so i finally got a couple hours of restfulish sleep. then got up. got dressed and went to the deli to get j's car so i could make it to baby girl's kidergarden graduation ceremony. i missed the entire thing. and then i only got to see her for a few minutes. i left to get food at the grocery store and they were supposed to meet me at the house. they were already gone by the time that i got there. and then i sat around and watched my sister's dog and america's next top model while i waited for them to get back. finally my dad was done on the phone and i decided to leave. i had made it a few miles down the road through horrendous traffic when the house called. they had just gotten home. what a shit day. i am not going anywhere and allowing my body to heal some. it seems to need it. i have to get my stuff together. i have less than ten days until execution and everything is a mess. gotta get it handled. i dont know that i can have baby boo for more than a couple days this week. i've gotta work, and she's gotta have some fun. shit.

intensity

That is the word I can use to best describe the place that I am in.

Everything is very intense. Relationships, commitments, payoffs, rewards, struggles, conversations, work environments, interactions, smiles, cries....

I come up for air some time this summer...

Or I continue swimming head long down the rabbit hole..

Its a first

I had a panic attack today. It was crippling. I'm hiding from everyone and everything.

its seven am

I have not slept... save maybe an hour or two..

The last week has been very intense..

And I'm just sitting here wondering about a lot of things..

I finally had a phone conversation with A.. I had fallen asleep on the couch with baby girl snuggled up in my arms while we watched a movie.. And my phone rings.. He wanted to know what I was up to.. Then in the middle of our conversation we are disconnected..

I put baby boo in the bed and text him.. I start cleaning and whatever. finally I hear back from him and he said he had a conversation with a friend of his (who i had a conversation with via facebook) and he had gotten some interesting info about me and wanted to know if i was around..

It was probably four am by the time I actually talked to him. We talked briefly.. We are going to "catch up" and talk about some stuff that is kind of bothering him, but it probably isn't a big deal, its probably just that its personal but he wants to talk in person. He just wants everything with my organization to go well.

Sigh.. I can't be in love with him again.. I am excited by the thought of having his friendship and presence as part of my life again..

I'm bring him here

So.. I have decided to buy a train ticket for my bd to come and visit for a cpl days..

Its cutting my funds a little tight.. but I am working tomorrow from four to close..

My heart is in my throat and I'm waiting for him to call me back..

:D

The Stable Is Restless

All of them.. Restless..

Lets start with last night..
My ex fun buddy, doctor boy, came out to the bar. He is getting married in less than a month, to an Italian girl, who is still in Italy. He wanted me to take him home. After I explained to him that there was no way, he's off limits.. He left

Well, the ex boyfriend who had come up there too. That was halfway awkward, just because he's awkward.

Then... I accidentally went on a date with one of the guys who works on the line at the deli. He was wearing buttons on his shirt, one that had the silhouette of a rat and some other phrase on another one. Skinny jeans, black skinny jeans. They weren't tight, which would have made it just entirely absurd. He has a mustache and has a skateboard.

We had a couple beers at my previous place of employment, sitting on the patio enjoying the sunshine and eighty something degree weather. Then we came back to my place and smoked. We had some fun conversation. He's cool people. But of course, he too wants some fun time with me. He asked if we could have a secret relationship and make out in the basement at work. He didn't really ask.. more like mentioned or hinted, it wasn't so direct.

Then.. There is J.. He came over today and we fucked my mattress off the box spring, it was very fun. He's a good time. No seriousness.

So.. There's N. I found pictures of his girl, kind of by accident on FB. She's his baby. Well, he really likes me. He spent three nights here last week. We text banter, he says things like "I enjoy you." The looks he gives me, the things he says. Oh he's in. And I am having a great time playing with him, he's almost a toy. I don't really expect anything from him.

And.. Then there is Daddy. Who is coming to town to hide out at my place and play house. He's been calling to check on me. He's keeping me forever. He texted me today and asked me where i was. My heart leapt into my throat. I almost expected him to say that he was here. I hoped he was going to say that very thing actually. We had some fun banter on the phone.. I'm going to have fun with him when I see him. .

Oh, and lets not forget about A.. He is upset with me over "something else i know", and a couple things about my association which he finds disrespectful.. He, however, refuses to tell me what these things are. He has holed himself up in the studio, behind another woman, again. Friends have taken sides, there are whole groups of people that I don't talk to, or see, who all see and or talk to him. It hurts. Its over there. And I have to keep it there, and prepare myself for when he comes back, because he will be back, he always is.

And then there are the fan club members that are applying.. It really gets tiring always having to say no, and dodge.. And diplomacy is key..

Sigh, I'm going to sleep now.. Lots to do tomorrow..